Sevier Life

Black Ice

2010-12-16T13:59:00.000-05:00

12/14/10

Going to the doctor's tomorrow. I assume they'll do a blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea. I think I'm not because I've had to deal with a lot of cramping over the past few days. Hoping against hope for good news though. I read that cramping can be an early sign of pregnancy. I have been too scared to take a home pregnancy test. Before I have been eager to use them, but nothing is more disappointing then reading that "Not Pregnant" in the display window. I may use one tomorrow before I go to the doctor. Not sure yet.

It has been a winter wonderland in Sevier County over the past few days. I was annoyed on Sunday when I saw the rain, but by midday it had turned into snow and I was ecstatic. It piled up quick. Neither Alex nor I went to work on Monday. We decided to go today, but to leave a bit later than usual. I wish I had not left the house. It was hell getting down our road. I know most of the main roads are fairly clear, but our road was still well iced over. I started sliding as I went down one of the small inclines. My car is NOT made winter weather and I certainly do not have the nerves for it.

Up until a few years ago, I had never driven in bad winter weather at all. Then one day, out of nowhere, we had that day of black ice. I lived in Maryville in the country and was heading to Pigeon Forge early in the morning for a work thing. I went down my country back roads to the main highway before I even heard them start talking on the radio about the ice. I remember thinking, "That's weird. My drive has been fine. Oh, well. Must be elsewhere." I made it all the way down that highway and turned onto Lamar Alexander Parkway, again with no troubles. However, as I went to stop behind the line of cars at the next light...I didn't stop. I just started sliding. Terror went through me. As my car finally came to a stop, short of hitting the car in front of me, I looked to my left in time to see a truck in the next lane slide up onto the sidewalk to keep from hitting the car in front of them because they couldn't stop either. That's when I realized from my home to Lamar Alexander I had just been lucky. I attempted to go on. Cars were creeping alone, but still sliding, including my own. As I turned onto 321 and passed the hospital, I saw a car sticking up, practically vertical from going over an embankment. At that point, I wanted off the road. There was a huge empty parking lot ahead on the right. I wanted to get over, but I was behind a huge dump truck that was starting to slide right. Then I started sliding right, as well. He corrected himself (somehow) and I used my right momentum to get over to turn lane. I pulled into the parking lot of a funeral home. Once I got my car parked, I just burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably. I was literally just bawling. I could barely breathe. I had been so scared, but you don't have time or the ability to express the fear when your and other peoples' lives are at stake, ya know? So once I was safe, I just melted into all that fear that I had been feeling. Even now, as I write this, I am shaking. It was extremely traumatic to me.

So that has caused me to have issues during winter weather driving, especially with our road always being covered in ice. I generally start hyperventilating and shaking. Getting to work today was no different. Half way there, I was in tears on the Spur because there were still some icy patches here and there. I even parked in a different place than usual, a lot where I would have to walk a ways to work, because I was scared the parking garage ramp would be icy and I wouldn't be able to get up it. Like I said, my car is not made for winter weather. It's super light and it doesn't take much to slide around.

I am too scared to go back down the road to my house. Plus, I have that doctor's appointment in the morning. I don't want to have to go on the road in the early morning hours when the ice will be worse than usual. So I'm going to meet Alex somewhere and ride home with him. Then I can leave with him in the morning and we'll go back for my car. I won't have to drive on any of the bad roads, at least until I come home. Maybe I can kill enough time in Knoxville that it will be melted by the time I go home. I can hope.

IUI Complete

2010-12-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

12/9/10

It has been a very long while since I have written and I apologize...I'm not sure to whom I'm apologizing since as far as I can tell no one actually reads this, but it makes me feel better to pretend that someone might care. Maybe my blog is like a soap opera and some poor soul has been desperately wondering what shenanigans have been going on in Sevier Life lately.

Naturally, this blog has turned into more of the story of my journey through the world of infertility than anything else. So I will start there.

I got a positive on my ovulation predictor on November 29th. Alex called the doctor's office to schedule our appointment for IUI (intrauterine insemination). He kept getting put through to voice mail and I was flipping out as it was getting close to their closing time. I was scared we wouldn't get the appointment and I would be SOL this time around. Finally, Mary, the head nurse, called us back and set up the appointment for 8:00am.

When we arrived the next day, we noticed a sign that said (paraphrasing here), "Payment expected before service." I'm not even sure how that works, but we also found out from the receptionist that they were only accepting cash or checks, no cards. Neither of us carries cash or checks. Insert part two of me flipping out. They don't tell us this ahead of time and they've always taken cards before, but this time when I'm there for such an important procedure, I have to pay for said procedure before they do it and with currency I don't have. I was livid. Luckily, they took Alex's credit card info and agreed to charge it the next day. Apparently, not taking cards was not a new rule, just an inconvenience caused by the storm outside.

When we were called back, Mary ushered us to one of the exam rooms and I was given my usual instructions: strip from the waist down. So I did as I was told, clambered up onto the too-tall table, covered myself with the paper blanket, and waited. I had done some reading before I came in. I checked out what a good sperm count for an IUI would be. I read that a count of 1 million was necessary to preform the procedure, but that 20 million was average. Anything over 50 million did not seem to increase the odds of conceiving any. Mary came back in holing a vial of Alex's little guys all washed and chilling in pink liquid (which I'm hoping will increase the odds of a girl, or at least a flamboyant little boy). I asked what kind of count we had to work with and was delightfully surprised to hear we had 41 million. Excellent! Just a few million shy of overdoing.

Now, I also read that procedure would be quick and painless...unless the person performing it was having trouble getting into your cervix. Heaven forbid I do anything the easy way. I lay there not feeling well and willing my cervix to open. Finally, success! Pain was minimal at least. They told me to stay on the table for 10 minutes. So I chilled there discussing the chances with Alex. Afterward I was told to come back in a week for some blood work to check my progesterone level.

A week later, I returned and the really nice hematologist chick took a vial of my blood and told me the results would be ready the next morning. When I called, I was given good news. They want to see a progesterone level of 15 or higher. Mine was 23.6. Yay! From what I read online, that is a pretty great number. It doesn't mean I'm pregnant, but it means that if fertilization took place, the embryo will have a wonderfully cushy place to implant in.

So now, I am in the waiting game again. If my cycle stays the same as it has been the past few, right at 35 days, I have seven days until I will even have a chance of knowing if I'm pregnant or not. I hate the waiting and not knowing. It is the worst. I so want to be able to celebrate a Christmas miracle, but I'm scared of getting my hopes up, too. Some women go through IUI 3 or 4 times and never get pregnant. Some have to move on IVF. We will never be able to afford that. This has to work we're just SOL. I am trying to stay cautiously optimistic though. Guess we'll see.

Thursday the 18th, Part 2

2010-11-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

Alex, sweet man, came home with a bottle of sparkling grape juice and some candy. It was one of the things I highlighted in a book about 1001 romantic things to do for you lover. It was supposed to be champagne and flowers, but I don't like champagne and I don't know why he didn't get me flowers. I would have much preferred flowers over candy. There have been very few times in my life when I have received flowers even though girls are supposed to get them often...so they're like a fantasy gift to me.

I blame grade school. Back then, they set it up where parents and friends could purchase balloons and/or flowers and have them delivered in class on Valentine's Day. I never got anything, but naturally the most popular girls whose parents fawned over them had their desks covered in random goodies. I was always envious, not that I would have admitted it back then. {sigh}

After he got home, I tried to nap again, but still no luck. Tossed and turned for an hour before I gave up. We left around 9:45pm to head to Knoxville and grabbed food on the way. My head was killing me and all the lights from cars, street lamps, even signs along the road seemed very bright, to the point that it hurt my eyes. Alex said it was a hunger headache since we usually eat around six or seven, not ten. He had finished his McDonald's by the time I got to Burger King to get my food so I had him take over driving. Within about ten minutes of starting my mean, I felt way better so I guess Alex was right.

We arrived at the Pinnacle theater in Turkey Creek around 11pm. There were news crews there interviewing some of the dressed up people. Lots of hustle and bustle. We went to the theater reserved for the Star 102.1 winners to find it was already mostly full. I was annoyed, but took a seat up front and began Facebook posting about my annoyance.

No spoilers here. The movie was excellent. I had worried I would fall asleep during it since I was so tired, but no way. It kept me totally enthralled. My ass did fall asleep though so I was ready to go by the time it finally ended.

Alex drove home. Didn't take me long to fall asleep naturally. I did wake up once, but managed to get back into dream world fairly easily. I felt Alex get up at 7:30am. I was amazed, but went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 8:30am, I grabbed my phone to go through messages and such. Suddenly, I felt movement next to me and heard a sound and dang near came off the bed. I jerked around to see Alex in bed with me. Apparently, he had only gotten up for a moment earlier and I had managed to fall back asleep before he had returned.

And that concludes my Thursday. :)

Thursday the 18th, Part 1

2010-11-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Thursday was not especially a great day. I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to be preformed at 7:30am at the UT Hospital. I had to be there at 7am so I woke up at 5:30am. That's only an hour earlier than usual, but since we were going to the midnight Harry Potter movie, that extra hour would have been nice.

Anyways, Alex had printed MapQuest directions for me the night before. I never saw the road it said to turn on, but luckily I saw the blue "H" signs and was able to get there. Once I arrived I was still lost though. I had no idea where to go. I had been told to go into the hospital to the admissions office. None of the signs outside where best to go to get to that point. I parked in a visitor lot in front of the "Heart, Lung, and Vascular" building. From outside, I could see a corridor connecting that building to another. So I went in and up the elevator to the second floor. A sign in the corridor said "Hospital: This Way" so I went that way. After my trek, I rode another elevator down that put me in front of the gift shop. A little more trekking around finally brought me to my destination. They certainly don't make it easy there.

I checked in and waited in my first of three waiting rooms for the day. I wasn't there long. I was admitted shortly after some brief insurance problems. That has prompted us to go ahead get my name changed. It's just too much confusion between what's legal, what the clinic calls me, and what the insurance calls me. Since I didn't know where to go the girl who checked me in said she would walk me there. What she meant was walk me to the door and point me in the right direction. That was okay though since it was a straight shot to the Radiology department.

The girl working the Radiology desk was very nice. She gave me a few forms to fill out and then I took a seat in waiting room # 2. Then the girl led me to a changing room, gave me paper pants and a gown and told me I could put my stuff in a locker. It took me quite a bit to figure out the gown. The three arm holes and lack of a belt through me off. Something finally clicked and I realized it was supposed to be wrapped around you and your first arm was going to go through the first hole and then again through the third hole. Challenge complete. I put my stuff in a locker and headed to my final waiting room.

Another nice girl came to collect me, but told me to get all my stuff and bring it with me. That was a little annoying. I should have been told that to begin with, but whatever. I got my stuff and followed her to the room where my procedure was to take place. I sat in a chair there and waited for Dr. Keenan. I was a little nervous because I was told I would end up cramping, but no worse than menstrual cramps. I didn't know if that was a normal woman's menstrual cramps or my PMDD cramps that can damn near put me on the floor in tears. I was told to take Advil or Aleve before hand so I made sure to do so. Not sure it helped though.

The Dr. arrived, I hopped up on the table and settled in. He got started with inserting random things into me which, while uncomfortable, was not painful. Then he got ready to insert the contrast fluid and told me I would feel cramping. I was under the impression the cramping would be after the procedure so I was surprised to hear this, but readied myself for the unexpected.

OMG! It wasn't as bad as my normal cramps, but damn close! After a few minutes, I became sure I was going to throw up. The procedure did not last long, but it felt like forever. It was finally over and I felt a cord being pulled out of me in a quick manner. It made me think of a magician pulling all the colored handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. I was lead to the bathroom, given some info on what to expect for the next couple days due to the procedure, and sent on my way home. I was told I would cramp til noon. That may have been the worst of it, but it came and went all day.

So that sucked, but the Dr. said it went well. There was one tube that was slow to open, but it was open now so that would help increase our chances. I may have to go through hell and back, but eventually I'm going to have a baby. Women who get pregnant easily just don't understand. Telling me it's going to be hard to have a baby, hard to raise one. For me, all that would be a blessing, not a hardship. This is my trials and tribulations now. A child would be the good thing that comes of it. We are in a good place in our lives to be having a child. Comparing us to oneself who got knocked up and without any stable income is not an accurate comparison.

Sorry for that mini-rant. Anyways, I went home and tried to nap a few times before Alex got home. Our vents were making noises though and kept me from falling asleep. So I wasted the day away and sleepily waited for my honey to come home.

Wednesday the 17th, Part 2

2010-11-21T08:41:00.000-05:00

After our appointment, we headed to Best Buy to check out their TVs. As we walked up I saw a 60" on a stand. I pointed to it and said, "I want that one," and then went back to reading the info on IUI that I had brought in with me. Alex looked at the one I had pointed to and then at the one next to it and said, "I want that one!" Something in his voice told me told me that I would be seeing something humorous. Sure enough, I looked and started cracking up. It was a massive 82". It was actually so big that it was funny! It was also 3D. With the way we have things set up in the living room, we would be sitting so close to the screen that we might as well be in the movie. We both agreed it was ridiculous and moved on.

After our TV shopping, we went to the Star 102.1 studio to pick up Alex's prizes. Then we went to Sevierville to drop my prescriptions off at Walgreens. While that was being done, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries and to look at their TVs. We decided we liked their prices better than Best Buy's. We should probably check K-Mart, too, since they have layaway.

Anyways, we headed back to Walgreens to pick up the prescriptions. The pharmacist we worked with was rude, not just to us, to everyone. He had the demeanor I have on work days when I just don't want to deal with people. So I didn't mind his attitude. I understood it. In the end, he was helpful because he went through a ton of BS with our insurance people. So that was nice.

While we were there waiting, Alex got a phone call. He didn't recognize the number, but answered it anyways. It was a good thing he did because it was the company he interviewed with and they offered him the job! Yay! He finally has a job where he will only be working during scheduled hours, where he won't be the only one who knows how to do things, and where he will be getting paid appropriately for it. I couldn't be more pleased and proud. He'll be starting that in December.

So Wednesday was a wonderful day! Lots of excitement for future possibilities.

Wednesday the 17th, Part 1

2010-11-21T08:24:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday the 17th, Alex and I woke up at our normal time to get to a 9am appointment at the SCFRS. Morning is apparently their busy time. A woman was in the waiting room when we arrived, another couple arrived after us, and two other patients checked out while we waited.

I sat where I had sat before so I could look at the winter scene painting that hung on the wall. There were two deer in the painting, but I didn't remember them from last time. Makes me wonder if I was that distracted last time that I didn't notice the two largest objects in the picture. Maybe next time I go there will be something else new in the picture.

We were called in and Mary the nurse took down our latest info. Then we sat and waited for Dr. Keenan. Our visit was short. He went over all out results and then laid out the game plan for us. I'm now taking Clomid again, as well as a low dose steroid and something for my glucose level (not sure about the last one. It was prescribed after we left due to some test results they had been waiting on from Leconte). Alex has to give up another "specimen" for morphology studying. I am scheduled for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) for 7:30 in the am on Thursday. Then when I get a positive OPK, I get to call and make an appointment for the next morning. That morning, Alex will put another specimen in a cup and we'll head to the office. His little guys will get washed while I get prepped and then the IUI (intrauterine insemination) will take place. Yep, already going for the big bucks and hoping for no whammies. It's an aggressive step this early in our TTC journey, but considering our ages it's probably good to do so.

I shall once again remain optimistic. Each chance gets better than the last one.

Jalopy Blog!

2010-11-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

11-15-10

So we had a fairly uneventful weekend, but that was perfectly fine. We left work around 2:30pm on Friday. It was probably the only time Alex has ever been okay with getting our before our usual quitting time. I think he was just anxious, waiting for a call from his prospective employer and didn't want to be waiting at his current job.

He never received a call, but a quick call to them today let him know they ended up having a few more days of interviews and that he was still in the running. That news made us both happy. We really need him to get this. It would ease our financial burden and the stress that comes with his current position.

I am still on a quest for a suitable position of my own. I had found two promising ads, but didn't even get a phone call about either. Our Coca-Cola sales person was talking about how much she loved her job so I jokingly, and without even thinking, asked if they were hiring. She said they were and that they were probably going to be doing a lot of hiring come January because of a merger. So that's something to look into. There is also a retail management position at a local thrift store. Would not be the best job, but it would be closer to home, I wouldn't be annoyed by groups of 400 kids on what should be a slow day, and I would be helping people. People would come there to get what they need at a fair price. I wouldn't be selling over-priced products to over-weight people and contributing to childhood obesity.

Alex, loving and smart husband that he is, called the "Marc, Kim, and Frank Show" on Star 102.1 to play "Her vs. Him, Marc vs. Kim" and won us tickets to the midnight premier of "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1." He was brilliant of course and won by like 11-3. He knew how badly I wanted to see the movie on opening night.

Odd as it may seem, Alex had only seen one HP movie and that's because I rented it after reading the book. Luckily, we got some help in getting him caught up. ABC was having a 4-day special. We missed the first movie, but did catch "Chamber of Secrets" and "Prisoner of Azkaban." "Goblet of Fire" was the one he watched when I rented it and tonight we'll watch "Order of the Phoenix." That will leave only "The Half-Blood Prince" to watch. We'll have to rent it because I believe he needs to see it to follow the new movie. I'm super-excited about getting to see the new one!

I think the whole TTC thing has caused me to super-emotional. I assume you've all seen the Disney commercials where the parents tell their kids that they're going to Disney World. Yeah, those commercials make me tear up. I ended up in tears watching "Alias," as well. A flashback of a couple having lost their baby after birth and a scene in which a father was unknowingly telling his daughter how much she meant to him totally got to me. I remember seeing these episodes before and I did not cry. So obviously, I have changed.

I realize this blog has been so all over the place and I apologize if it is hard to follow.

I'm finally over my winter-cold (mostly). I still have a slight cough and my nose is runny at times, but generally good now. I have been sleeping through the night again and for that I'm exceedingly thankful. Alex, lucky boy, never got worse than a sore throat and a couple days of coughing.

Alex and I went through all of books and picked some to keep and some to get rid of. There was a lot in both categories. Luckily, a Facebook post about it allowed us to find homes for quite a few of the books. So that was good. Our backroom is actually beginning to look like a room rather than a storage area. It's the room I plan to make a nursery so I want it perfect. We even bought a bookshelf for the room. It's not straight, but it does work.

Well, I guess that is all for this jalopy of a blog.

Good News, Veteran's Day, and Fantasies

2010-11-18T16:38:00.000-05:00

11-11-10

It's generally a good day today. We got the results back from Alex's analysis and it was mostly good news. A couple things were below normal, but one abnormality was actually canceled out by another factor that was above normal. The other is not something that is uncommon and not something that will keep us from getting pregnant. We were told the doc will discuss our options at our next visit on the 17th.

My cramps ended up continuing so it's pretty definite that this time was a no-go. AF isn't here yet, but she's packing her bags. I did a count though and if AF arrives next week and I get pregnant this cycle, we'll reach 40 weeks about a week before the wedding. I read that most births happen between 36-38 weeks. However, I'm not sure if statistics are up due to inductions. That would be good to have the baby around 37 weeks, because I definitely couldn't have her late.

My cold is finally starting to let go of me. Been sick since last Friday. I slept through the night for the first time in over a week. It was great! I didn't wake up once. Oddly enough, it was also the first night I didn't take medicine before bed. Perhaps they're not as helpful as I previously thought.

It's also Veteran's Day today, a day set aside to remind us thank our service people for protecting our freedoms...and our oil...and other countries. Anyways, perhaps it should be a semi-annual occurrence since too often people forget the other 364 days of the year. For all they do, surely 2 days isn't asking too much.

There was a service at work held today. So there were quite a few men in uniform around. Back in the day, this would have meant tons of eye candy. Interestingly enough, I learned just how attracted to my man I am. There was a line of about seven or eight of these guys leaning on a railing, looking dashing. As I looked at them, I had only one thought, "Man, Alex would look good in one of those uniforms." :)

That reminded me, I caught the end of the Tyra Show and they were discussing sexual fantasies. Apparently, the profession most often fantasized about by women is a fireman. I guess because of the whole damsel in distress/whit knight complex. However, I can honestly say I have never fantasized about a fireman. I think the whole uniform and charred skin just does not do it for me. I don't know.

Tyra was surprised to learn that the naughty situation most often fantasized about by women was to perform a dirty striptease. She thought it was wrong to have a woman's fantasy be about pleasing a guy, but she's thinking about it wrong. It's not about pleasing a guy. It's about being dominant and being desirable. The women who are strippers know how to work their body and they exude confidence. It may be pleasing to the men, but the girl is in control. It's definitely easy to understand a woman fantasizing about having that siren-like moment. Most women are not confident about their bodies so it's a fantasy to be able to feel confident and desirable to such a degree that their men is completely in their control.What women would not want that?

Good Things To Come?

2010-11-18T16:05:00.000-05:00

11-8-10

Well, I may have had a good sign. Last night when I laid down to go to bed, I started cramping, but it wasn't like normal AF cramps. It was sharp and only lasted a few minutes. I had them again this morning. I haven't had them again since.

According to my "My Days" app, I'm only 3 days away from AF, but that is if my cycle goes 35 days. Last cycle was 41 days. Considering I haven't had any other cramping, I believe it is safe to say my cycle will be longer than 35 days. I normally cramp around 5 days leading up to AF.

It also shows yesterday to be 10dpo. That's around the time that implantation occurs. Implantation cramping is described as a slight, but brief cramping, lasting no more than 2 days. Now, it's true that our chances are slim this cycle, but I can't help but at least give a shot at optimism. Even though we only have a slim chance, that chance is still higher than on any previous attempt.

Assuming that AF doesn't show, I plan to take my pregnancy test at 18dpo. I really want to add "and not a day sooner," but I can't guarantee that. That would be November 15th, two days before our return visit to the fertility doctor. A week from today. Can I survive 7 days? Probably not. Insanity seems imminent, but alas, I shall try.

There's also another wait Alex and I are in, though unlike the 2ww it's an outcome he actually cares about. He had an interview last week that went well. He was told he would hear from them by the end of this week. What a dream come true that would be! He would finally be away from his under-paying, over-working, life-draining job. We'd be able to have a romantic night together without his phone blowing up due to calls and e-mails. We could go on a vacation and actually BE ON VACATION! The last vacation we went on, a week in Disney World, he was still being e-mailed and expected to fix things...from 14 hours away, ON VACATION! I took him to a cabin for a romantic weekend one time. A mere two nights away and he was getting e-mailed and had to fix things.

I think I will enjoy working there after he leaves, just because I'll get to see the IT department implode. No one will be able to call him. No one else knows what to do. Quite a few of the reports they have set up are ones that he wrote. They won't know how to update it when prices chance. Errors will start appearing all over the place and it will suddenly be obvious exactly how over-worked, under-paid, and definitely under-appreciated Alex was, not to mention how incapable and unwilling to learn his employees are. Yes, that will be enjoyable to witness.

I was just thinking...the phone he has is a company phone. I have an extra line on my plan. He should take that line and that number so the random folks from here who have his current number won't be able to reach him. I think I will tell him that when I see him in a bit.

Son Of A....Alex?

2010-11-07T10:41:00.001-05:00

I managed to snag myself a cold Friday. I think it was when I was walking to the car after leaving work. It sucks. I get this cold generally once a season. I just had it in September. I normally am fine until late December or early January. Ugh!

Yesterday, we went to the 7 Mile Yardsale on 411. It was a lot of fun. We picked up quite a few teacups and tea accessories for wedding decor. I think we spent a whopping $13. I also got a water urn that I LOVE! It was my favorite piece. Here's a couple pics:

Needless to say, being out in the yuckiness and cold that was yesterday did not improve my cold any. I actually ended up gaining a fever and, man, it did a number on my dreams last night.

Many things went on, including being at a formal dinner with my Grandma and her talking about how disappointed she was that none of her offspring took up a salt-water aquarium. There was another dinner, at IHOP, where we were to celebrate the wedding of my former brother-in-law and his bride. IHOP was in my dream before that, as well, when Alex pointed one out to me and wanted to eat there.

The craziest part(s) was all about Alex though. We were at a party, chatting about something and he somehow let it slip that he had a three year old son. I was obviously shocked. I was like, "What? You have a son? With who?" People at the party thought I was over-reacting since it was a relationship from the past and that he was now with me. I didn't care about that. I said, "That doesn't matter! We've been together for over a year and he never told me had a son!" (The kid was always referred to as son, never child or kid.) Alex told me it was with a girl he had known in college; she was an RA at that time and then mentioned that she actually lived in the area she always had (by the college).

That made me jump up. I was again like, "WHAT?!? You see them?!?" (In real life, the night before Alex had come late from helping his mom move stuff. That carried over into my dream apparently.) Then I remember his coming home late. "Is that why you were late last night? Did you go over there?" He started to lie, but then said, "Yes." I was livid!!!!

Then the scene changed and I was at a movie theater. The movie had just finished and I was trying to get out and away from Alex. People were trying to calm me down because, apparently, it was not that big of a deal. I eventually told myself that there was no way this could be real. It had to be a dream.

And I woke up. I was laying in bed, Alex next to me. Light was shining into the room, which should have told me something was not right. (We have a black out curtain in our bedroom.) I turned and looked at Alex who was awake. I asked, "Do you have a son?"and he said, "Yes." I asked, "Is that why you were late last night?" and he again said, "Yes." We went through the whole thing again. Me crying, yelling, asking "what the hell?," and him trying to explain. Once again, I convinced myself that what was going on was not real, that I had to be dreaming.

I woke up again and was alone in the bedroom this time. I went into the living room and Alex was standing at the computer, going through some stuff. I immediately went into to my questions again. And just like before he answered yes to both my questions. At this point, I was aggravated that I wasn't waking up.

And I woke up again. For real this time, I promise. It was extremely dark in the room, but I felt Alex beside me. I checked the time on my phone. It was only 5:12am. Too early to ask him about a son. So I tried to sleep, but my cold was keeping me up. After about an hour, I grabbed up my cover and pillows and headed to the living room couch. Alex got up soon after and came in the living room to kiss me good morning. Despite the incredible pain it caused me to speak, after I got my kiss I immediately asked, "Do you have a son?" He started laughing and said, "No. Why? Did you have a dream?" I nodded yes and he asked if it was because of an episode of "Two and Half Men" that we watched where Charlie thought he had son. I said, "Maybe."

I think a large part of it was simply him coming home late last night. I was tired and had taken some cough medicine by the time he got home. So I wasn't able to be appropriately mad at him so I just did so in my dream. :)

What a Capitol Idea!

2010-11-03T19:48:00.001-04:00

About two weeks ago, Alex and I went to The Capitol Theatre to see what it was like and to check pricing for having our wedding there. I can describe the place in three letters: O.M.G! I used to live in Maryville and the theatre is on one of the main roads, Broadway Ave (could there be a better street for a theatre?) so I've driven by it numerous times. I had never really looked at it though. The outside, while definitely capturing that 1920s feel, does not due justice to the theatre itself. (By the way, I know I'm spelling it "theatre" instead of "theater." That's how it's spelled in their name and that's how I will spell it throughout this blog.)

Walking into the lobby, you see the art all over the walls, the splashes of red throughout, and you just get this feeling...an excitement in your stomach, like you just know you're stepping back in time and something magical is before you. Once you're inside, the outside world no longer exists. You are somewhere else and completely immersed in what you see.

While in the lobby, Debbie, the wonderfully sweet and gracious event coordinator of The Capitol, told us a little about the history of the theatre. We were shown The Capitol Coffee Shop and were told that it would be open to our guests on our wedding night. She let us know that there was a woman's area upstairs and a man-cave downstairs for getting ready. There was a lovely table right outside the doors to the theatre that she said was often used for gifts.

Throughout all this, the theatre doors had been shut. I swear, every step closer we got the more the excitement and the anticipation grew within me. I had seen pictures, but I just knew it was going to be something different to see it in person. Then it was time. Debbie reached for the door handle and as she pulled the door open said, "Welcome to The Capitol."

While planning this wedding I have found something to be true on numerous occasions. No matter what you're looking for, be it venue, cake, dress, or centerpieces, you will hem and haw over dozens of options and you'll become convinced you'll never be able to make a decision. Then, you will see THE dress, THE cake, and you will just know because your breath will be taken away. It happened for me when I walked into The Capitol Theatre.

The walls are draped in lush, red curtains, silver topped tables with black, comfy-looking chairs were placed along the middle and bottom tier, the stage ahead had the same velvety red curtains covering it. Across the curtains, written in lighting was, "Welcome, (my name) and Alex." On either side of the stage were large monitors, each displaying the same welcome message. The top tier, where we stood, had tables for the buffet, cake, and drinks, and with the same silver tops as the dining tables.

Debbie introduced us to the DJ and for the life of me I can't remember his name. I want to say it started with an "E," maybe Ethan or Evan. Then again, I was convinced that the song I was trying to think of yesterday had "Black" in the title. Other than that all I knew was that Led Zeppelin was the artist. Turned out the title was "D'yer Mak'er" so I could be way off on his name.

Anyways, he was going to give us a demo of what all he could do with the sounds, lights, and video. We took a seat in the middle tier and the show began. The lights dimmed and over the amazingly clear sound system came the opening notes to Etta James's "At Last." The curtains opened to display the twinkling starlight screen that would be the backdrop for our ceremony. A disco ball began to slowly twirl, casting little sparkles all over the theatre and soft blue lights covered the dance floor . I actually had tears well in my eyes. It was so beautiful and it was so easy to imagine us there on the floor, in our wedding attire, friends and family smiling upon us as we danced.

The the music slowly transitioned. The monitors came alive with the image of a man on a stage. The theatre's 30' movie screen came down and the image was there, as well. I realized the song was "Sway" and the man on the screen was Michael Buble. I am a huge fan of his songs and "Sway" is a song we've been considering for our first dance. The dance floor lit up with pink lights and multi-colored party lights displayed glowing images on the dance floor and the walls. More songs played and we saw a dazzling display of multi-colored lights, flood lighting, starlights, and even laser images being drawn on the ceiling. I was in awe.

The last song was "Time of My Life" and it was played to romantic scenes from a black and white movie. "Congratulations, (my name) and Alex" went scrolling across the screen, written by a green laser light. The curtains began to close and the onscreen couple were seen dancing on the red curtains. The scene faded with the music and the lights came back up. We were sold.

And the tour wasn't over!

From there, Debbie took us down to the bottom tier, the dance floor and explained to us how the ceremony usually takes place, where our attendants and we would enter. Next location was downstairs in the man-cave.

Wow! She said it wasn't unheard of for men to not want to leave the man-cave for the wedding above. I can see why. There were two poker tables, a pool table, a dart board, and a board room style table and chairs. All that was missing was a 60" TV on the wall.

From the man-cave in the basement, we headed to the top floor to see the bridal balcony. While not quite as impressive as the man-cave, it was still lovely. The walls were black except for red curtains that hung around a smaller version of their huge silver screen. There were over stuffed couches and chairs in red covers placed about. Two windows over looked the theatre below so if I wanted I could see people as they were getting seated. It was lovely.

We headed back downstairs and discussed numbers which, while very reasonable, is more than we have. I'm putting my car up for sale though so hopefully that will give us more than enough for our wedding. I cannot imagine having it anywhere else now.

The total for the venue and food was about $1500 more than the venue & food we had originally chose. However, the original venue was just that, just venue and food, nothing else. We still needed a lighting person and a DJ, and those alone would hit the $1500 mark. I also needed chair covers and sashes, tablecloths, centerpieces, people to set it all up, people to take it all down. Having all those costs included in one price made it a steal, especially since it stole our hearts.

A Great Mother-Daughter Day

2010-11-03T16:59:00.001-04:00

A while back, mom invited me out for a mother-daughter day. She offered to take us to a spa for a massage. Naturally, I love Spa Visage, but I didn't think there was any chance of us getting in on that day. She gave them a call and got us both in for a 90-minute massage. I was super stoked!

So we headed up to Spa Visage. Upon our arrival, we went through the usual start up. Shown into the dressing area, given shoes, a robe, and shown a locker to put our stuff in. I love their dressing area. It's as lovely as the rest of the place.

After putting on my robe, I headed into the Gathering Room, a cozy room with soft lighting and soft music. Mom was already there. I grabbed a small glass of lemon water and sat down to wait on my masseuse. She arrived shortly. Her name was Lori McNabb (spelling might be wrong) and she seemed very pleasant. We headed to one of the rooms and she asked me the standard questions: What kind of massage do you prefer? Any place you want extra work done on? Any places to avoid? I told her about how every massage has always left me with a hurt lower neck. So she said she would avoid that area. Then she left so I could get disrobed and climb up on their wonderfully cushy table.

While massages are always good, she gave the best one EVER! I mean really! And not just because it was the first time I had ever made it through a massage without getting hurt. She really did do an amazing job. Also, something she used had lemon grass in it and I really liked that.

The only draw back was that about halfway though, out of nowhere some insanely loud noise started up. I don't know what it was or where it was coming from. It sounded like some major machinery starting up in the next room or something. That made it kind of hard to enjoy my relaxing experience, but I definitely tried hard to block it from my brain.

As before, after the massage I got dressed and Lori was waiting right outside the door with a cup of water. I love that gesture. It really is little things like that that make a business stand out. She led me back to the Gathering Room and from there I went back to the dressing area. I got dressed and fixed my hair. Then Mom and I headed out.

I asked if we could head over to Market Square because there was a store that I wanted to go in. The only time I'm ever in the area is to see Einstein Simplified and at that time the store is closed. My friend A was the one who had told me about it and actually pointed it out the first night we were up there. It's called Reruns and it's a "vintage" consignment shop. I put vintage in quotes, because very little of the products could actually be considered vintage. Also, for a consignment shop, their prices are a little on the steep side. I'm not paying $20 for a pair of old jeans. I can get new jeans for that. Anyways,...

We walked around and checked out a couple of other shops and then decided to have some lunch. Our restaurant of choice was The Tomato Head. Mom decided on a slice of pizza and I chose a sandwich, the one named after the restaurant, Tomato Head, but without the tomatoes. It's really fun as a female to say, "I just want Head."

There was a small band playing outside. I wish I would have found out some information on them so I could tell you something. I know nothing other than they were playing in front of The Tomato Head on a Wednesday afternoon. Maybe you can catch them there at the time again. I don't know. They all brought their dogs with them. I have no idea why. One girl was playing the saw and I thought that was awesome! I had never seen it done. I knew it could be, but that was the first time I'd seen or heard it in person.

Wonderful lunch in our tummies, we headed home. It was a great day and I definitely thank my mom since she paid for everything. It was only a few weeks back, but I'm definitely thinking I would love to head back to the spa, especially now since I found a masseuse that won't leave me in pain. But alas, I have no money of my own and any money we do have needs to be saved for the wedding.

Speaking of the wedding, I have an upcoming blog that will showcase the place we're getting married at. It's fantastic and you won't want to miss it!

Recovering After The Storm

2010-11-03T11:20:00.001-04:00

From 10-29-10

I'm feeling quite exhausted today. Yesterday was obviously a very emotionally trying day and I'm definitely feeling the effects today.

Not much to report. No real changes in life since my last post (that we know of anyway). Alex and I did have a little tiff today when he mentioned possibly staying at the job he has, but getting to corporate level. I was NOT okay with that. At his current job, he gets walked all over. His pay is nowhere near what it should be considering all he does and his time is here. With that in mind, staying with this company is not the best idea, especially when we want to have a child. It would also require us to move from a seasonal tourist area to a year-long tourist area. While I would love the warmer weather and being within a few hours drive of the beach, I would not enjoy whatever degrading, demeaning, and useless job that I would have to endure. I also believe there is a larger crime rate in that state than in Tennessee. Not the best option for raising a child, assuming you have an option.

I've gotten to where I really don't like being at my job, even when I get to do office work. It's all meaningless and not fun. I miss having a job where I can laugh with people I like about life occurrences. Nowadays, the majority of people here just want to complain about how so-&-so isn't doing their job or talk about how their own job is so hard. I would never say my job is hard. It's so easy there are actually automated machines that do what I do. Hence, lack of meaning.

Think I will take a break. More to come though.

Disaster in Positiveland

2010-11-03T11:02:00.001-04:00

From the evening of 10-28

So as excited as I was today, apparently it was all for not. As soon as I got home I took another test just to make sure that I hadn't somehow messed up the first one. It was positive, as well. So it was true; things were a go.

I spent quite a bit of time today reading on the "now what" part of a positive OPK. Apparently, we're supposed to have sex three days in a row, take one day off, then do it again on the fifth day for good measure. I knew that was going to be difficult because Alex is not like most guys. Most guys can orgasm twice in one night at least. I think there may have been one time where he orgasmed once on consecutive nights. Basically, it takes him longer than most guys to refuel. Where as a normal guy can be fully recharged, ready to go 24 hours later, he generally takes 36-48 hours. While it makes working towards a baby more difficult, I didn't dwell on it much.

Especially once I got my positive OPK. I checked my "My Days" app and saw that it had been three days since we'd last had sex. That was awesomeness! That meant he had plenty of time to build up his best swimmers and would most certainly orgasm tonight. I wasn't even counting on the tomorrow. I thought, if we could just get tonight and the day after tomorrow that should do it.

I drove home in a state of bliss!

Alex was off today, but I'd sent him a text with the picture of my positive. He said, "Yay." At home, I asked about his day and listened to all he'd done. Suddenly, I had a horrible thought. I asked, "Did you look at naked girls today?" He said, "Yeah, a bit." (He knows I don't mind him doing that. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying.) I almost pleaded as I asked the next question, "You didn't get off, did you?" He hesitated, then stuttered as he said, "No, of course not."

He was lying. I called him on it.

So now, what am I supposed to do? We put so much effort into this. I went to doctor, had all that stuff done to me, took the Clomid, took prenatal vitamins, peed on a stick every fucking day, waiting for the positive that I FINALLY got. He had NOTHING done to him! We even put off the semen analysis so we wouldn't have any go to waste in case I ovulated. All he had to do was bring the sperm! That's all! He couldn't fucking manage that!

I feel sick. I really do. I feel like I've been cheated on. The closest I've ever felt to this is when a guy I was in love with started propositioning one of my friends. I guess it's similar. I may not have been cheated on, but I definitely feel cheated. I want to throw up.

This was also the last month we had to get pregnant and still manage to have the baby before the wedding. I thought we really had a chance.

I guess we'll try tomorrow and maybe on the fourth day. Assuming I can quit being mad long enough to do so. I told him, without feeling any guilt while speaking, that if I didn't get pregnant this month, I was putting the whole blame on him. I did everything I could and succeeded. He had one job.

My perfect mood has turned into hopelessness and despair, I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt and angry and scared and confused. Why did this happen?

UPDATE: We did manage to get one time so hopefully that was enough. I also told Alex that if we didn't get pregnant I was taking most of the blame off him and putting it on our workplace. They decided to mess stuff up and change the schedule around and that give him a day off without my supervision (said tongue in cheek). We're in the two week wait now and hoping for a miracle.

Positive OPK!!

2010-11-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

From 10-28-10

As you know, we've been going through quite a bit to get pregnant, including a trip to a fertility center, getting poked, pushed, prodded, and probed, and being put on Clomid to induce ovulation. Women go through multiple cycles of Clomid and may not ovulate. Each cycle the dosage is upped in hopes of a positive OPK.

I'm becoming the master of not getting my hopes up. The doc said I wasn't ovulating and I'm use to seeing negative OPKs so I went into this knowing it could take a while. There was also the fact that I started taking it late in this cycle. I read that the average for when you ovulate is 5-10 days after your last Clomid pill. Today, exactly five days after my last pill, I got my very first positive OPK! Yay! I could barely believe it. Yesterday, my saliva OPK showed what looked to me like the transition phase, but this morning it was the same as always.

I went on lunch break and the first place I went was into the bathroom for my daily POAS. I didn't feel like wasting my break time for a negative. So I capped the test and carefully put it in my purse. I was super careful not to jostle my purse as I headed to the office where I have my lunch.

I spent a few minutes talking to a co-worker and then headed to the office for some privacy in viewing my OPK. Unfortunately, there was someone in there so I had to look down into my purse in a stealthy manner, like I was just looking for something. There it was. The Holy Smiley Face of Ovulation!

I just stared at it. I had never seen a positive ANYTHING ever! I still keep looking at the picture, barely believing it, expecting to look at it and see the usual black circle because surely the light was playing tricks on my eyes.

I know I shouldn't get too excited. It's not a positive HPT after all, but it's a huge step. I couldn't ovulate and now I am. Before, I didn't have a chance at getting pregnant. Now, I do. Four months we tried and never got pregnant, obviously because we couldn't. This, our fifth month, may be the month when we finally have everything working and know there is an egg being released. And we've gone about three days without baby dancing so with all that build up, our chances will be increased. It's just knowing that I do and still have eggs and the chances of me carrying my own child is much greater now.

I have a lot to think about and a lot to read up on. Who knew I would ever get past the OPK part?

Movin' On Out!

2010-10-24T17:25:00.000-04:00

I have decided I would like to move. I'm honestly not too hung up on where, just so long as I can find a job that does not depend on seasonal tourists for the majority of the customers. The constant flux has finally wore me down. I'm tired of dealing with it. And though I'm sure we'll have a kid before we move, working in a facility that caters to families while dealing with infertility and trying to conceive is just more than anyone should have to bear.

I've set a goal of five years. By 2015, I would like to be living in a decent 3 or 4 bedroom home with a nice sized, fenced-in yard. For work, I would prefer to be doing something I enjoy and that doesn't stress me out, or even better, be a stay-at-home mom, though that's probably just a fairy tale thought. People who can do not realize how lucky they are. It takes a shit-ton of money coming in and I just don't believe we'll ever be that lucky. Anyways, I would settle for something I don't like if I had to. It's not like I believe I will ever get to raise horses or get to do this blog as a living or anything. I've spent my life doing what I need to do to keep on keeping on so I will be surprised if that aspect is different in five years.

So there are quite a few more blogs on the way. I have yet to type up the fun I had on last GNO. It's written and sitting here though I'm not sure if I will be able to get it up tonight or not. I have a lot do. I also have yet to even write up a blog about the great mother-daughter day I had the week before last. Hopefully, if the stuff doesn't make it up tonight it will be up on Wednesday. I'm not making any promises though! Life is full of twists and turns and who knows what Wednesday might actually bring. Fingers crossed for a calm day of Sevier life though.

Blast From the Past

2010-10-24T17:09:00.000-04:00

I had a nice little happening at work last week. A couple came up to the area I was working and when I looked over I got quite a surprise. The guy was someone I had started dating over a year ago. It was interesting to me since this guy has disappeared off the face of the earth. Things between us had been going okay. The only issue was his slutty female friend.

My friends and I referred to her as Zoo York because every time we saw her she was wearing the same shirt, a too tight tee that had Zoo York printed on the front. She always made a show of rubbing up on my guy, grabbing his nipples, and flirting outrageously with him. She almost got her ass drug out the door and beat. My friends watched her actions one night and it was so bad that I actually just walked out. They were as livid as I was and told me to come back in because she knew it was getting to me and she liked that. And also, if I decided I wanted to kick her ass they would all back me up.

As we were leaving the bar that night, he asked what as up with me and I told him straight up that I did not like her and they way she was with him. He needed to make her stop. He didn't see the issue, but said he would talk to her. That should have been a huge red flag waving in my face, showing me that he was not the guy for me. If a man does not care that another chick's actions upsets you, he does not care about you. A guy friend of mine hadn't trusted him from the second he met him. He told me that he had a bad feeling about the guy, that he wasn't a good guy. I really should have trusted his instincts.

Anyways, she backed off a bit (a very little bit) and just took to casting snide comments my way when he and I were together. You know the kind of comments, to the casual listener they seem innocent enough, but you hear the venom and sarcasm loud and clear. He and I were okay other wise though.

I told him I was going to be out of touch for a day or so because I was going to a friend's birthday party out of town. I told him when I would be back, he said he'd talk to me then, and off I went. Two days after I got back, I still had not heard from him so I called and left a message on his machine. After a little over a week, a friend and I went to the bar that he would go to every night after he got off work. It was actually the place where we met, where he came on to me. Anyways, he never showed and one of the waitresses who knew we'd been seeing each other said she hadn't seen him in a week. I chalked it up to a lesson learned.

At first, when I saw him at work, I wanted to just dissolve, become invisible, disappear, but unfortunately that was not an option. I know because I actually looked around for a place to disappear into despite knowing full well there was no such place in my vicinity. But then I realized, I had no reason to hide. He was the dick. I did nothing wrong.

So I stood there while he and the unattractive blond (not saying it to be spiteful; as a bi woman, I'm perfectly capable of being objective of other women and there's not enough money in the world to make me think she's mildly pretty, let alone do anything to her) he was with made their choices. As he handed me the money, I made sure to lock eyes with him. I saw the flash of recognition, but like me he kept any trace of acknowledgment off his face.

As they walked away, I just smiled and shook my head. A year ago, making a scene might have been fun, but since I'm perfectly happy doing so would have just been senseless. He is as cute as I remember, but seeing him with the girl, seeing his standards fall so low, made me glad that he disappeared from my life so long ago.

Bring In The Professionals!

2010-10-24T16:42:00.000-04:00

Well, since ranting and raving won't get me pregnant (no matter how good at it I am), we went to The Southeastern Center for Fertility and Reproductive Surgery on the 18th.

It took us a while to find the place because Google gave me the wrong address. We weren't horribly late though and we weren't scolded so I guess it was okay. We walked into a nice, moderate sized waiting room and was immediately greeted by the receptionist. She was happy to find we had all necessary paperwork filled out and ready. (Yay! Gold star for us!) She made copies of our drivers licenses, insurance card, and marriage certificate (they only treat married couples) and then had us take a seat. I was feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement as I waited, staring at the winter-scene painting hung on the wall across from me. Our wait was thankfully short.

We were led into a small exam room where a nurse asked us questions about my cycle, how long we'd been trying to conceive, and general health info. Then she took our picture...I'm not sure why. She told us the doctor would be in shortly to take us to his office and talk to us. I felt kinda like a kid waiting in the office to speak to the principle. Dr. Keener entered and introduced himself to us and, as the nurse said, led us to his office.

There was a Victorian-style love seat in front of his desk where we were to sit. I thought that was a lot better than two separate office style chairs. The patients come in as a couple and they will treat you as a couple. We spent about 15 minutes talking to him, answering his questions. He was thorough. When he asked about my BBT charting, I showed him the one I have on my phone (for all Android users, it's an app called My Days and it's great for tracking your cycle, whether trying to conceive or not). He said that judging from that it looked like I hadn't been ovulating (one of my fears). We were then led to another exam room where I was told to strip from the waste down.

Now, I have never been to a gyno in my life. Never had insurance so I never could, not that I ever had a reason, too. So this was a whole new experience for me. Considering that, I believe I would have had every right to have been nervous and/or terrified, but I wasn't. I was scared they would find something wrong, but i was not scared of whatever unknown procedures they had planned for my nether regions. It was all a step towards the ultimate goal, getting a baby. I would have put myself through rigorous torturing if it meant I'd end up with a baby. Parents say they would do anything for the kid(s), but they're talking about the kid(s) that they have. How many would willing put themselves through hell for a kid they may or may not end up with? I do not yet have a child, but I'm already willing to do anything. There is nothing that I would not put myself through to get my child.

As it turns out though, no rigorous torturing was involved. The only pain I felt was when the doctor was standing over me, shoving his hands into my abdomen. The lower half examination was painless. I was told that my innards looked normal so that was nice. You don't get that compliment from many people. I was allowed to get dressed and then I waited for a wonderfully nice nurse who came to collect four vials of blood from me.

I was given orders to keep charting my temp and to go to a lab at my convenience for more blood work. I'm not sure why they didn't take more there, but okay. I was also given a five day pack of Clomid to induce ovulation and told to get the best ovulation predictor kit, the Clear Blue Easy Digital kind. I used to use their pregnancy version whenever I tested for pregnancy. I switched to the non-digital kind because one line was just easier to see than the "Not Pregnant" displayed digitally. I also purchased a saliva ovulation predictor kit. It has been fun to learn. I finally got it figured out.

Alex received orders to go get a semen analysis. We're waiting until after ovulation though, assuming I ovulate. If not, we'll just schedule it for a week before our next trip to the doctor's office in a few weeks. We just don't want to have him waiting for the test and then me ovulate. We would not keep waiting for him to do it in a cup if I ever get a positive on my OPKs.

So that was about the gist of it all. I took my last Clomid pill yesterday. Hoping I didn't start taking it too late in the cycle. I didn't particularly feel any side-effects, but today I started having hot flashes which is a known side-effect of the drug. Alex says it must be a delayed effect. I normally am a cold-natured person. The house could be 78* and I could be wearing warm comfy pajamas while wrapped in an electric blanket and be just fine. The past couple days though I have been burning up, just sweating and generally out of nowhere.

Other than that, all is well here. I have not gotten a positive yet, but I'm staying positive despite that fact. I also learned that Freya is a goddess of fertility (amongst other things). She is the one I like to thank for Friday as it is her namesake. That made me extra happy to be thanking her. Every little bit helps. :)

Update on Update

2010-10-13T17:33:00.000-04:00

Written same day as last blog. Note: bad language and lots of anger are here. Lots of cursing directed towards mothers. So if you are an easily offended mom, you may want to skip this one.

Well, no blood test needed. AF has arrived. At least now I can move on. I'm totally bummed. A 41 day cycle? For me, that's unheard of! I was averaging 33. I don't understand. How do I go from a 30 day cycle to a 41 day cycle? {sigh}

Guess I'll need to order some more ovulation strips. Apparently, I'll need as many as we can afford. I'm gonna have to test from the day AF leaves until the day she returns or I get a BFP.

And, of course, as I am feeling strong and ready and writing out my plan, up walks my next customer, a guy carrying a baby. The baby boy is just a few months old, dressed in a cute little pair of jeans and a t-shirt, no shoes, just looking around and taking everything in. The man paid with a credit card and I automatically held the receipt so he could sign it one-handed. As he signed, I looked at the baby and he just looked back at me with the most beautiful big eyes. They walked away and I had to fight back tears.

Then another baby went by. I figured I should count infants the next day I work just to see exactly to what extent the gods are mocking me. Maybe I am not allowed to have a kid while I'm at that job simply because there are so many I'm around on a daily basis. Maybe it would mess up the balance of the universe or something. Were that actually the situation, all I'd have to say is, "FUCK THE UNIVERSE!" I sit by while all my friends have children, get more children, show off their children, profess how they were born to me a mother...fuck that, too! Just because I waited until I was in a financially and emotionally stable relationship and managed to not get knocked up before this point does NOT make me any less of a mother or any less deserving of having a child.

I would give anything to be a mother right now. I should be. I've done things the right way.

Oh, and all their bullshit of, "It will happen for you. You'll be a great mom! Just wait. Just give it time. Just enjoy sex!" Yeah, thanks for telling me to enjoy sex! That's apparently the big secret. Who knew? If that was the answer I'd have my own Von Trapp size clan. I'm so full of anger right now. Families are growing old and we can't even get ours started. Fuck all the women with their working ovaries, no fertility issues, more kids than they need, women who don't think they enough kids, and all women who think "GOD" has anything to do with it! (Stated here: when it happens for me, rest assured it will have had NOTHING to do with the Christian "god!") To hell with all of you!!

Update of Back Blog

2010-10-13T17:17:00.000-04:00

This was written seven days ago.

Time for baby news update. I'm still in limbo. CD 42, 9 days late, 6 days longer than my longest cycle in the last four months. If I'm pregnant, I am day shy of six weeks. I tested twice yesterday. Once in the morning because I really thought I was going to see a positive. Then again in the evening because I prayed to everything good in this world for a miracle, simple peace of mind that I'm not suffering some horrible problem or experiencing early menopause.

Not knowing has had me really down and extra emotional. As much as I want to be pregnant, if I'm not right now then I'm okay with that. I just want my cycle to move on so we can try again. I think I must have said that a thousand times, but I still mean it. Anything , even AF, is better than not knowing how the rest of your life is gonna be. Not knowing if your wish has come true or if you should keep wishing.

I attempted to end the wait yesterday. Mom took me to a clinic to get tested. Only $28 and a bit of blood would give me an answer. I went in to see the "doctor" who wasn't very doctorish to me. She asked about my symptoms and cycle information. She mentioned that it might be too early to tell. I thought that was weird, but shrugged it off since sometimes even blood tests can be wrong though it's not common. Then she said all that was left to do was "collect" so I said, "okay," and started looking around for where the needles were. She grabbed a plastic package off the counter that I assumed was a blood collection kit, but then she handed it to me. I looked at her with a confused expression and then looked at what she handed me, a cup in a bag. Incredulously, I looked back at her and asked, "You want me to pee in a cup?" She confirmed and I told her that first of all, I had just peed and secondly, I was expecting a blood test. Peeing on a stick didn't work at home. I didn't need to pay $28 for one doctor's test that would only tell me what I already know, absolutely nothing!

Alex did some calling around though and found out where we can go for a blood test. We're going right after work. Hopefully, some light will be shed on my darkness.

Back Blog

2010-10-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

This was written a few weeks ago.

I found out some disturbing news today. I knew than on any given month the chance of conceiving was only 20-25%. What I didn't know is that assuming you beat the odds and conceive, there is a 25% chance of miscarriage without even knowing it! This really distraught me. It's been hard enough getting pregnant. Now, I found out that even if I do get pregnant, there is a 25% chance I will lose it...lose it and never even know. I may have been pregnant at some point. How would I know? I wouldn't. I thought we had great odds of conceiving in August, but AF showed up five, count 'em, FIVE days early. What if that was a miscarriage?

{sigh} Now, I'm at the monthly point were AF will come knocking or I will get my wish. I have been trying not to get my hopes up. After all, we had some performance issues the day we most desperately needed everything to go well, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. We had good days before and after so who knows. I've had a few symptoms, but I've had symptoms before. The one I think is the best is that I've had no cramping which I normally get pretty badly the week preceding my AF.

I've also had a few less conclusive signs: fatigue, frequent urination, and queasiness. However, they could be the result of other things. I'm so torn between not wanting to get my hopes up and wanting to hope just in case hoping helps.

I took a test on Friday and got a BFN so I'm scared about taking another one. It was early enough that the test could have been wrong. If I take one know though it should be pretty conclusive. I can't decide if I want to take one tomorrow or wait a few days.

There's also the fact that tomorrow is supposed to be a most excellent day. Alex and I will be legally getting married, my Droid X will be arriving, cable is getting installed, and I'm off work. We don't want people at work to know and then them not come to the wedding next year. Of course, with the turnover rate it may not matter.

Anyways, so I'm almost tempted to do it tomorrow since it is a day of good things. But, in case I'm not, I don't want anything to damped the day. It wouldn't ruin the day or anything, but it would suck. Or maybe I should since I'll be happy for other reasons even if I do get a BFN.

Yes, I am quite the conflicted personality. {sigh} Perhaps I shall just wait and see. No reason to waste a test if AF is just going to rear her ugly head in a few. We'll see.

New Favorite Quote!

2010-10-11T18:18:00.000-04:00

Last night, while laying in bed, I was playing sudoku and Alex was watching a video blog (both on our respective Droid Xs). I wasn't paying any attention to what he was watching, but a line caught my ear. It was a sentence so true that once I heard it all I could do was replay it over and over in my head, giggling and reveling in it's truth.

It actually replaced my all time favorite quote, one that has been my favorite for years. My original favorite was from a "Rose is Rose" comic. It was, "Why do people give the label of love to tedious feelings of obligation and duty, yet dismiss the most electrifying infatuation as trivial?" It was a quote that held much relevance for me as I tried to sort out love and infatuation in my life. I managed the near-impossible though. I am in love with the person I'm infatuated with. So I guess the time for a new quote with more relevance was at hand.

Pat Condell was the deliverer. I had never heard of him. I only know his name now because I asked Alex who was speaking. I wanted to be able to give him credit. I'm sure this will be my favorite quote for many years to come. He deserves to be noted.

As any of you who read my blog know, Christianity just rubs me the wrong way. (Insert your own catholic priest joke here.) It seems to be a religion full of so much dogma and hypocrisy that it cannot even keep its own fairy-tales straight. Living a "because I said so" life and doing so unquestioningly is just not something I can do. Enter Pat's quote: "Christianity is too high a price to pay for eternal salvation."

Can I get an "amen"? :-/ No?

Meltdown

2010-10-01T08:14:00.000-04:00

I'm now 3 days late, but I started cramping on the 29th and have been ever since. This is usually a sure sign that AF is on the way. So I guess I'm just having a long cycle this month. I was doing pretty good with the whole thing though. I was looking on the bright side, took comfort in knowing we have October to try again.

Then the night before last, Alex decided he just HAD to tell me this story that started with yet ANOTHER person we know getting pregnant and concluded with all these guys who are dad telling delivery room stories. Considering my already fragile state due to the emotional turmoil of attempting to conceive and the fact that I am apparently PMSing, I completely broke down. I didn't stand a chance.

All the bad things I think and feel but try to ignore hit me all at once. People all around me conceive without difficulty, without waiting, without even TRYING! I feel like a completely failure as a woman, incapable of being a mother. Bad parents, people with more children than I can count, and pregnant mothers parade past me in hordes at work. It's like the world's sickest joke.

It seems like the only people who know what to say and what NOT to say to women TTC are other women who are TTC. However, I didn't realize that my fiance, who is around me every day and has seen me going through this emotional hell, would be so dense as to bring up a half-ass story (wasn't even a good story with a point) about other women being pregnant and having babies. I'm surprised he didn't throw in some stories about people who having great success with their horse farms and people who got to have the wedding of their dreams after coming into an adequate inheritance.Ya know, just to make sure that if I decide to commit suicide I'm depressed enough to be sure I won't fuck up. (Note to readers: No, I'm not suicidal! Just a leap into the dark side of humor for that one.)

I tore into him about how he didn't understand how I felt, and that he just threw in my face what I cannot do/have, and to top it off he kept sighing through my tirade to the point that I got up to leave the room since I was apparently annoying him so much. He did stop me though and apologized profusely and agreed to start helping me in our efforts to have a child (in ways other then the obvious). So all was well afterward.

Laughing Is Conceivable had a great article yesterday that really helped me feel better. A quick snippet:

Step one is:

Freak out. “Why can’t I have a baby?! I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be able to have a baby?! Why are all of my low-life friends and relatives having babies?!”

Reading that was what made me feel better. Knowing I'm not the only one deals with such feelings.

I will leave you with a couple links to Lori Shandlefox's blog.

For the story I mention above, click here.

This article by Tracy Birkinbine is linked through Laughing Is Conceivable. It's called Infertility Feelings and Emotions: Difference Between Men and Women. It helped Alex and I with what we went through with my meltdown.

Today

2010-09-29T18:37:00.000-04:00

I tested today. Another BFN. I wasn't gonna be too bummed about it though because was supposed to be an awesome day. Alex and I headed out to the court house this morning to get legally married. Apparently it's not as easy as it use to be. There's not a Justice of the Peace there to marry you. Alex had to go to work so we ended up not getting to get married today. We are going to wait until Saturday since we know where to go then.

Other then that, I also had my cable turned back on. I had canceled it forever ago, but they called me with an offer that I could not refuse. Two guys came out and got everything set up with minimal interruption of the day. They were both very nice.

I had one more thing I was looking forward to and that was the arrival of my Droid X. I didn't have to wait long. Within about 15 minutes of the Charter guys leaving, the dogs started stirring again and I knew someone was here. I met the Fed-Ex guy at the door and got my brand new toy. I have been playing with throughout the day (while watching TV). Androidforums.com has been a huge help. They have all the tips and tricks and side-steps and best widgets/apps/programs for the X listed. So I have spent quite a bit of time on there.

I did end up going back out today. We decided to make tacos, but yesterday we forgot the tortillas so I went out to Wal-Mart to grab some. OMG. There was a ridiculous amount of tortillas to choose from! I am not good with making those kinds of decisions. I stood there for, no kidding, like five minutes, picking up different packs, looking at prices, comparing sizes. I finally just picked one that seemed like a good size and that was it. Honestly, there doesn't need to be that many choices when it comes to tortillas. A flat round disk of appropriate size is all that's required

Seduction Rides The Wings of Dragonflies

2010-09-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

This post has nothing to do with seduction, just dragonflies. That song just happens into my head whenever I think of dragonflies. Anyways...

I saved a life. It was the life of a dragonfly, but a life all the same and I felt good about it. When I walked into the office, there was a glue trap sticking out of the trash can. The dragonfly was stuck to it. I assumed he was dead and headed over to my desk to get to work. About 45 minutes later, I heard a noise from the trash and realized the dragonfly was trying to fly. He was still alive!

Without even thinking twice, I grabbed scissors and cut out the piece of the trap that he was stuck to and headed outside. His legs and left wings were stuck so I cut the glue into two separate pieces, the one his legs was on and the one his wings were on. Holding the piece his wing was on, I slowly pulled the other piece until he was free from it. He didn't lose a single leg and I was worried that he might. The only thing left to un-stick were the tips of his left wings. I tried to keep them intact, but I have found a dragonfly's wings are paper-thin and as brittle as a dead leaf. He ended up losing the tips to those wings.

I was worried that he wouldn't be able to fly. Being the empathetic person I am, he would have had a great home, complete with all he needed. Wouldn't that have been a surprise for Alex? Adult dragonflies only live for about a month so we wouldn't have been care-taking long. However, the little guy was a trooper. We had a few test runs on the patio. He hovered pretty well, had a little issue with direction, but I assessed there was no reason to keep him from the wild. I sat him on a column facing the vegetative area by the river. He took off, faltered, then hovered. At that point, he was beyond my reach and there was nothing I could do. I went back inside. I think he'll be fine. At least he won't die by slowly starving to death. So that totally made me happy.

Baby Wanna Go For Walkies?

2010-09-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

I saw something yesterday that kinda irked me. At work, a guest had their toddler in one of those animal backpack with the attached leash. Now, I am all for those backpacks. They are a great way to make sure irresponsible parents do not lose their children. (I'm sorry. That was mean.) I know they're useful. Kids are quick and keeping them leashed is for their safety. Wouldn't want them to run into the road and get hit or bite a stranger's leg. Oh, wait. That's why we keep dogs leashed.

Anyways, so this little toddler, probably about a year old, has one of the monkey backpacks on. The packs generally come with a cloth leash about 5-6 feet long. It's a good length. They can move around, but can't get away from you, definitely always within your range of eyesight and generally always able to feel them on the other end of the leash. However, on this particular backpack, the cloth leash had been replaced with a 12 foot long nylon dog leash. Really.

Maybe the guy holding the leash was confused about what he had on the other end of the leash. If one of my dogs is going to go a way that I do not want her to, I give a slight tug on the leash, just enough to let her know we're going a different way and she turns and off we go. This man's child (I assume it's his unless someone has started a child-walking business that hasn't made the news) started to go towards one of the play areas and the man pulled the leash back. Now, not being that great on his feet anyway, the pull not only stopped the kid, but caused him to fall backwards and hit the ground. He wasn't hurt, but he could have been. He could have hit his head on something. While the kid was down, the man took that opportunity to take up the slack in the 12' long leash. Had he been using the leash that it came with the kid would not have been able to go further than the man wanted and to the point that he had to pull the leash causing him to fall. Like I said though, maybe the man was confused by the leash and figured it was just like walking a dog.

Why even have a leash that long? Unless you're drilling your dog over an obstacle course or staking him in the yard for a short duration, I don't see the use, especially not for a child. With 12' of slack, he could be in the road, in front of a car before you could stop him. Also, since people use it as an excuse to not watch their kids, a pedophile/kidnapper could cut the leash and be out the door before they even notice. Six feet away from your hand, if someone approaches your kid, you know. Twelve feet away, possibly even around a corner while you focus on chatting with your friends or ogling the hottie across the room, you wouldn't even see. The guy I saw today probably wouldn't notice until his quick tug brought him nothing but the severed end of his nylon leash. As he freaks out, people around start looking for a loose dog.

Honestly, what is the point in purchasing a product designed to increase a child's safety in a public place (while appearing responsible to the other child-on-a-leash toting parents) and completely remove or alter the part that made it so?

For me, I don't plan on leashing my kid(s). I'm going to use the old-fashioned method, out-dated and un-chic though it may be, of simply holding my kid's hand and watching them when they're out of my hand. As of yet, I have not seen a leashed child that could out run me or one strong enough to wrestle their hand out of mine. So I think we'll be fine. My mother never leashed me and never lost me either.

While I understand backpack leashes for kids and commend people with the foresight of their own irresponsibility to use them, treating your child like a dog while on the end of the leash is not good parenting, neither is extending your radius to the point that you cannot immediately remove them from danger. Just sayin'.

A Night Off From Your Significant Other? Could You Do It? Part 2

2010-09-22T10:21:00.000-04:00

This is part 2 to "A Night Off From Your Significant Other? Could You Do It?"

So, I discussed how I would react if Alex admitted to cheating on me. I also said I truly believe he would never do that. Considering some of the things I said though, you may be wondering about my own ability to stay monogamous. To be honest, I had wondered about it, too. It's not that I've never been faithful in a relationship. I have been. However, I have many marks against me. I said in the last blog that I believe people who are sexually adventurous are more apt to cheat. I also noted that I happen to be the very adventurous type. There's also the fact that I have cheated in past relationships. Now, I've never believed the "once a cheater, always a cheater," saying, but a little, insecure, inner-voice sometimes wonders, "what if it is true?" Let's add on the fact that I'm bi and have been in a polyamorous relationship. (For those wondering, polyamory and polygamy are not the same. I'm not going to explain polyamory though. For more info go here: Introduction to Polyamory.)

There is another mark against me. Before Alex, I was beyond in love (limerence is the exact word for what I was feeling) with a man who strictly wanted nothing but a sexual relationship with me. The reason being that he was married and had told me from the beginning that he had no intention of leaving his wife. At the beginning of our fun that was fine by me, but feelings formed over time. He was unhappy in his marriage and that thought fueled my fantasy that some day he would see how much more he and I could be. There was nothing that I would not do for him and ever telling him no was impossible. I believed I could make him happy. I was his very willing slave.

We drifted apart, talking occasionally. He's a very smart man though. He's never stopped trying to get me to meet him again even though he knows I'm with Alex. He drowns me in compliments which I can't help but nearly purr when I hear. I figured if anyone could even make me stray, it would be him. I was so tight around his finger and he knew though never really cared.

I'm in a much better spot now then I was back in the day though. I'm stronger. As I said, I liked the compliments and his asking me to see him. It's a role-reversal that anyone who has ever been hurt by someone has hoped for. For a while, it was great for my ego, but I realized something recently. It doesn't help me anymore. It may be nice, but it doesn't matter to me. When it comes down to my looks and abilities, the only one whose opinion matters is Alex's and when I was trying to imagine how his cheating would affect me, I got just the taste of how awful that could be. I love Alex so much and I would never ever for any reason want him to feel that way.

I'm going to contact that man and let him know that there is no chance of us meeting...ever. I've let him hold onto the idea that we might for my own selfish reasons. I have moved on and he should, too. He'll act like it's no big deal and that's fine by me. The less drama the better.

I'm excited to know how I feel about all this now. I've never really let myself dwell on it much. Everyone should though. Take the time to really mull over what your final answer is on cheating. Find out exactly where your lines are. You might surprise yourself. In my case, I'm happy to know that nothing is stronger than my feelings for my fiance.

UPDATE: I told the guy when I caught him online. He did not act like it was no big deal. It apparently was a big deal. He got mad and got all snotty with me, suddenly saying he had to go because he was busy. I stated that I just thought he should know and he reiterated that he was busy. If he's hurt and/or mad, I'm sorry. He's made me mad and hurt me, even to the point that I was physically ill for days. I've never received an apology. I wasn't doing this to retaliate though. As I stated, I didn't even think he would care. I do apologize though for whatever unpleasant feelings I may have caused him. That was not my intent. This is just better for everyone though.

A Night Off From Your Significant Other?? Could You Do It?

2010-09-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

I read a blog called "I Gave My Boyfriend a Night Off--With Another Woman," by Cameron Rodriguez. She talks about discussing with her significant other whether or not a one-time cheat, a night off, would be okay. She felt that under certain circumstances she could forgive him. Sadly, months later that statement was put to the test. Her man admitted to a one-night stand with a chick he met at the baseball park. In tears, he said he felt horrible about it and had been scared to tell her because he didn't want to lose her. Considering the details he told her about and remembering what she had said about letting such a transgression pass, she forgave him. They broke a couple years later, but she assures that it was not because of his night off.

This gave me a lot to think about, As far as relationships, love, and sexual encounters go, my life is not exactly normal. In think I can make a good objective judge of cheating characteristics. You see, in past relationships I have cheated and been the other woman. I've also kept the secrets of my friends' indiscretions. So I have a pretty good idea of what makes up a cheater. Honestly, I can say Alex would never cheat on me. I believe that the more sexually adventurous a person is the more likely they are to cheat. I was married once before and I cheated. My then husband never did. While he was experimental on occasion, he was no where near as crazy as I was. Alex is even less adventurous than that. He is a self-admitted vanilla person. I have to add that it's a very bland vanilla at that, borderline flavorless, bless his heart. Not even into the hardcore porn that flows from the internet, preferring lone chick videos. I have tried watching stuff like that. I tend to get bored. I've tried to teach him new things and get him to try new things, but I have been largely unsuccessful. I do want to point out that I am not in any way unsatisfied. Variety is just a spice, not the whole meal. Anyways, that's a big reason I believe he would never cheat on me. However, to play devil's advocate, what if he did? He's in another state all week. What better place for it to happen? So what if he did and, like the guy in the blog, admitted it to me. How would I deal with that?

Despite seeing infidelity from so many different angles, I have never (to my knowledge) been cheated on. I use to always say that I didn't care if my man wanted to hook up with another girl so long as he shared. (A line that truly annoyed my mother who at the time was having still trying to accept my bisexuality.) However this was before being with a married guy who wanted to bring another chick (other than his wife) into our play time. I took note and said I would find someone. As it so happened, he had already been researching and sent me into on a couple of girls he'd gone out with who he thought might be into it. The thought of being with someone who he'd been with before, had a past with, made me sick to my stomach. He was quite annoyed and said I was just being jealous and even questioned my bisexuality. My problem had nothing to do with being with him and another girl though. It's one thing when a guy says, "I would like a threesome," but it's completely different to have him say, "I would like a threesome...and here's who I would like to be with."

So that pretty much kills the "not minding so long as he shares" theory. And with Alex, I find that I have quite a jealous/protective streak, even with perceived, if nonexistent, threats. So back to the question at hand. How would I feel if Alex came back from his trip and told me he met someone while he was gone, but that it was just a one-night stand and that he felt absolutely horrible about it? It is so hard for me to imagine. He is my world. We are engaged and trying to have a baby. In all honestly, I can't see myself having a reaction. I think I would go completely numb, in like a shock. Obviously I would be hurt and the trust between us would take a major hit. I think it would take a long while before I could ever be intimate with him again or even let him hold me at night. However, I think my desired to be comforted would eventually win out on that one. Sexual intimacy though...it would be a while before we could head down that road without me thinking, "Did he do this to her? Did he kiss her? If I touch him a certain way, will it make him think of her? Was he thinking of me when he was with her? Is he thinking of her now?" Whether he was actually thinking of her or not would be irrelevant because I would be thinking about her. I would not be able to proceed with such thoughts in my head.

But I would still want to be with him. I could eventually forgive him and those horrible thoughts (that even by just imagining for a theoretical situation has left me feeling sick to my stomach) would go away. I know he would feel horrible. He would hate himself for what he did to me and to our relationship.

What has been great about writing this piece is knowing that without a doubt, I will never have to find out if how I think I would react is truly what I would do. I've made comments about Alex being with another woman before. Even before he left, I joked about him meeting someone there and not coming home. He never even entertains such thoughts. "No, honey. I only want you. I love you." I one hundred percent believe him.

This has been quite enlightening and has led to a part 2 that will be posted tomorrow.

The Worst Great Day!

2010-09-19T17:08:00.000-04:00

I know the title seems like an oxymoron, but I assure you it is quite apropos.

Today, I had to get up early and take Alex to the airport. I dropped him off a bit after nine in the morning. He's going to be gone for a week for a work-related training seminar. So that totally sucked. Have I mentioned how much I absolutely, with every fiber of my being, hate, loath, despise his job? Seriously, if we ever split up, I guarantee you it will have something to do with the job he is working right now. It is ridiculous trying to have a relationship with they way they treat him. Anyways, I'm getting side-tracked.

So after the suckiness of dropping him off, I decided I would go to the Foothills Mall to kill time. Only it didn't open until noon. Fail. So I headed over to Petsmart. It didn't open until ten. Double fail. So I decided to go ahead into Knoxville since that was my destination for late anyways. I stopped at McDonald's on Alcoa Hwy and waited in a ridiculously long line to get a sweet tea. About two miles later, I took my first drink of my "sweet tea." Worst sweet tea EVAR! It was in fact not sweet tea, but the soda I detest the most, Diet Coke. It couldn't even have been Coke or Dr. Pepper. No, Diet Coke. I was too far to go back so I was just stuck with stomaching that. Fail.

I headed over to West Town Mall and found that they don't open until noon either. Fail. For those not keeping track, that's four. I did manage to find Petsmart open. I went in to see if they had larger bags of the dog food we buy. They did, but it was $0.20/pound more expensive so no go. I went to A.C. Moore to see if they had any lacey, vintage-looking, table cloths. They did not. I headed back to the now open mall. Skillfully ignoring the random nationality salespeople of the kiosks, I made into Hot Topic. I love this store. It's the only place I can find GIR stuff.

I killed enough time to head up to the World's Fair Park for Families In The Kitchen. After making three wrong turns, I ended up where I needed to be. I parked, got my stuff, remembered I dropped my keys in my seat, grabbed them (didn't want to lock myself out of the car), and headed to the festival. About 20 ft away, I remembered I left my money in the car. Went back for it. About 20 ft away again, I decided I didn't need to bring my purse. Headed back again while digging in my purse for my keys. I didn't find them. When I got to the car, I looked in the window and groaned. There were my keys on the passenger seat. Fail. (I have lost count now.) I have five dollars to my name at this point so I could not call a lock-smith. I frantically post to FB asking anyone to help.

I met my friend A and her hubby and kids and we headed to the Families In The Kitchen festival while I waited to hear from people. It was a nice little gathering. There was a cook-off taking place on stage. Tents from all kinds of local businesses and such promoting better health. A lot of them had activities for the kids to do and I thought that was fantastic. A's four kids had a blast and us adults had fun watching them. It was really a lot of fun. Total win!

A friend of mine, whom I shall love for ever and ever for this, came all the way from Maryville and got into my car. I met him in front of the museum and he handed my keys over. Win! It was so great to know I was going to get to leave. I had been talking to Alex about it after he landed. I told him I didn't want to be homeless in Knoxville. I couldn't even live in my car. Anyways, thanks to S for coming all that way, getting me in my car, and then refusing to take my five dollars. Definitely a stand up guy.

I tried a different McDonald's on the way home. I waited approximately ten minutes in line to get my sweet tea, which leads me to believe McDonald's is not actually fast food, just food. It was worth it though. I took a cautious first sip and tasted the wonderfulness that is their tea. Yay!

So now I am home. As far as relaxing weekends go, this one is near the bottom of the list, but it was definitely adventurous and fun. Such is Sevier Life.

Alice In Wonderland Wedding!

2010-09-15T12:13:00.000-04:00

I have decided to share some of the choices we have made or are considering for the wedding. Since, I hate blogs that have pictures, but don't tell you where to get the items, rest assured, I have provided links for all you see. Clicking the links will take you to the site's homepage. Clicking the pictures will take you to that particular item. Enjoy!

The Dress: From Unique Vintage

The Hat: From Unique Vintage

The Cake: Originally by Cake Nouveau. I'm using Rosa's Catering

The Bridesmaid Dresses: from Wholesale Bridesmaid Dresses

Potential Backdrop: From Beautiful Backdrops

Potential Crinoline: From Petticoat Style

Potential Petticoats: From Petticoat Style

(note: all these are on the same page of the website)

Girls' Night Out!

2010-09-15T11:07:00.000-04:00

Last night was a most excellent night! Myself and three of my friends went to the Einstein Simplified show at The Square Room in Knoxville. After everything I have been going through, it was nice to push all that stuff to the back of my mind and just have fun!

I picked B up around 6:45pm. I had planned on being there at 6:30 so I should have known I would not make it before 6:45. I'm honestly not sure if we've seen each other in the last year. So it was nice to catch up on so much. We headed to Alcoa to get A. We got there almost right at 7:30pm, maybe a bit after. She and I talk via text and FB on a regular basis, but it had been a while since I saw her, as well. The last time was after a surgery she had and that was a few months ago now. We said goodbye to her hubby and kids and then headed to Knoxville.

It didn't occur to me until I was in Knoxville that I have never found Market Square on my own. There has always been someone with me or I've been following someone or had someone on the phone telling me where to turn. Neither B nor A knew how to get there either. However, I have an amazingly photographic mind. Since Alex and I had just went early in the month I was able to match up what I was seeing and doing with what I had done before. I did end up on the wrong side of Market Square, but that was easily solved. I was just excited that I did find it.

Once there, the three of us went searching for The Square Room. There was a great vintage clothing shop on the Square that A wanted me to see. I believe it was called Reruns. I have been on a vintage kick here recently thanks to wedding planning. We stopped in at Coffee and Chocolate to ask where we should go. The nice person inside directed us down an alley that led us right up to The Square Room.

Outside, we waited for J, whom I have not seen in flipping forever. She and I had been the closest friends for quite some time so it was definitely great to see her again. The fact that I had all three of these great, amazing, wonderful ladies with me just made my night. I forgot how much fun it is to hang out with the girls. I really had.

Since we were all there, we headed inside and found ourselves a nice table. We talked about all kinds of things, just generally catching up on our lives, telling anecdotes, and drooling over the occasional guy (there's no harm in looking).

The show got started a little after 9:00pm. We were all set and ready until the emcee of the night asked our table for a sentence and we all apparently went blank. I talked to B about that on the way home. She had the same issue I did. As soon as he said, "that is not a question," there was nothing but questions in my mind! Luckily for the performers, he moved on and didn't come back to us often. We still had a great time though! They had us totally cracking up all night.

After the show, A went up to talk to one of the performers she knew. She mentioned he had worked with her hubby and I totally remembered him when she said that. He and his fiancee had been at her hubby's birthday party the year before last when I had went. That had been a great night for many reasons.

Anyways, from there we headed back to the parking garage and said goodbye to J. Then we headed back to A's. She wanted to show all the changes they have been making to their house so B and I went in for a bit, took a look around, and did some chatting. I think it was around midnight when we left because by time I got to B's place it was almost one in the morning.

When I got home, I was quite tired. I generally get up at six thirty in the morning and never get to bed later than ten thirty. A had texted me to make sure I got home and I told her how I was not use to staying up that late anymore. She jokingly said we were getting old. I told her we were, but that it was a good thing.

I went to send out a big thank you to my girls for coming out with me last night. It was so much fun and I love you all so very much! And, as each of you told me, yes, we will have to do it again very soon!

Restaurant Reviews x 2!

2010-09-13T18:33:00.000-04:00

There's not been a whole lot going on lately. Just a few things to mention.

Thursday, Alex and I went to The Blue Moose in Pigeon Forge. It's a great little place with the "sports bar" theme going on. TVs line the walls along with random sports memorabilia and moose heads. It's a small place, very cozy, with a great atmosphere. My friends and I use to go there all the time. It was always fun.

As far as food goes, the first thing to mention is, of course, their Poker Chips (fried pickle chips). They are amazing! Back in the day, the thought of a fried pickle disgusted me. Blue Moose's Poker Chips were the first fried pickles I tried and remain my favorite.

Usually, I order the Bad Dog, a sinful, heart-attack inducing creation. It's a plump hot dog wrapped in bacon and covered in cheese and sauteed onions. So bad, but soooo good. I wanted to try something different though so I went with their Swiss Mushroom Melt. I was given a choice of fries or onion rings. I'm picky about onion rings so I chose fries. It was good. Nothing spectacular, but good nonetheless.

Alex had decided to try the Bad Dog since I always say how good it is. However, not being a fan of onions he didn't care all that much for it. He ordered onion rings (I know. Go figure.) and barely touched them. So not a lot to say about his food.

Friday, we went to my most favoritest place to eat in the whole wide world, Little Tokyo. Not once, ever, have I had an non-enjoyable experience or a bad meal there. I have read reviews from some of the tourists who have come across the place and many say it's a hidden gem of the area. I have to agree. I had the Steak and Chicken and Alex had the Steak and Shrimp. Both of us had no complaints. The best thing about Little Tokyo is that you get two meals in one. There's always leftovers so the price is well worth it. :)

Well, that's all for restaurant reviews.

A Walk In the Park

2010-09-11T20:12:00.000-04:00

Mom called today and told me about the funeral arrangements for Papaw. She said she would totally understand if I didn't want to go. Honestly, I didn't. I just don't feel the need to go there and see what I spent all yesterday crying about. It will be a lovely service with tons of people there. Papaw was a business man who knew most everyone in his area. I think I would rather just visit the grave at a later date. Mom said that was fine.

On to other things..

Last night, we slept with the window open since the weather was so nice. I opened the window after our light had been turned off. It wasn't until this morning, when I went to close the window that I found out there was no screen in the window. Luckily, I had kept the blinds closed and a black out curtain over that. Those things coupled with no lights in the room or anywhere near the window kept us from being invaded by bugs. I have no idea why there is no screen there. There's screens everywhere else...kinda makes me wonder.

Alex and I went for a walk today. We decided to walk from the house to the end of our street, about .8 of a mile away. As we started walking, I listed the things I had with me. There was my cell phone, chapstick, house keys, and my butterfly knife. Alex was a bit surprised by the last one and asked why I brought it. Told him it was just in case we got attacked by a bear or a dog. Incredulous, he asked, "You're gonna stab a dog?" It was a fair question as I'm an animal lover and feel a lot of empathy towards all creatures, but it's like I told him, "If a dog attacks me, yeah, I'll stab it." I would feel bad about it, but I'm not going to just let it attack me.

Towards the end of the road, a large hound dog came running down off the porch of one of the houses. He was barking, growling, and not acting friendly. I asked Alex if he was glad I brought me knife. He was. The hound didn't leave the yard though, just stood at the edge and barked at us. Maybe he had one of those invisible fences. I've heard they work well and he definitely didn't seem interested in coming down to the road and approaching us. I don't doubt that would have been different had we stepped into the yard. We passed without harm and on the way back we didn't even see the dog.

We did meet a second dog, a little maltese that I've seen around. He came running out like the hound, barking, growling, generally appearing as vicious as a maltese can, which is just short of adorable. He actually came up to me and sniffed my shoe before running away, barking like mad again. He followed us til we got a bit past his house and he turned and went back home.

It was a nice walk, but the cold, cold shower afterwards was the best part. I look forward to doing it again.

"Life Is An Illusion"

2010-09-10T16:45:00.001-04:00

There is a quote that I love very much and at times like this it can be quite comforting.

As she stood before the firing squad:
"Life is an illusion."
-Mata Hari

Such a simple sentence provokes so much into my mind. The most important at the moment though is simply that death is not the end. Death is the beginning. I imagine that the illusion is removed and you can see all. You can see the world in it's beauty and see how you were never alone. In life, you may have hit the ground, felt like you would never be able to get back up, but there was always someone there to help you up. You just couldn't see them. Angels, spirits, whatever you chose to call them it doesn't matter. They were there and you will be able to see them after the illusion of life is removed. My grandparents are no longer in the illusion. They are seeing the true beauty and they will be the ones picking me up whenever I hit the ground and can't find the strength to rise. I just won't be able to see them. Whenever I'm up again though, I will remember to thank them.

Inside The Actor's Studio Questions

2010-09-10T16:18:00.003-04:00

1. What is your favorite word?

I use to always say “sesquipedalian” was my favorite word, but that’s nottrue. That’s just my favorite word to say. I think my favorite word is “love.”It’s such an amazing thing. It has many uses. A person could write a thousandbooks, a thousand pages each on love and still not be able to fully understandand appreciate the word, the feeling, in all its complexity.

2. What is your least favorite word?

Considering my favorite word, “hate” would seem the logical choice.However, I am not naive. Everything needs an opposing force; hate is necessary forlove to exist. I think “colonel” is my least favorite word. It irritates thehell out of me. There is no “r” in the word, nor is there any letter orcombination of letters in the word that would produce an “r” sound. It’sridiculous. It renders the alphabet useless. It always makes me think of that Monty Python sketch with Mr. Yacht,where “yacht” is pronounced “throat gobbler mangrove".

3. What turns you on?

Talent, ambition, passion, and a bit of arrogance…all qualities my fiancéhas.

4. What turns you off?

Intolerance.

5. What sound or noise do you love?

There are two. One is the sound of a cat purring. It’s contentmentmanifested as sound. The second is the noise my dogs make when they’re “talking.”It’s not barking. It’s just a really cute noise.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?

This was the easiest question, but my answer has been the same for aslong as I can remember. It’s that blaring, horrible sound of a generic alarm onclock radios. Worst sound ever. It’s not pleasant at all and it only ever wokeme for unpleasant things.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

This is probably a toss-up between saying “damn it” or “son of a bitch.”Both come out of my mouth more than they should.

8. What profession other than your ownwould you like to attempt?

Criminal psychologist. The mind is such an interesting thing as is, butit’s the unusual and generally brilliant minds of the most infamous criminalsthat really is…I don’t know. They’re like a never ending puzzle and I likepuzzles.

9. What profession would you not like todo?

I would not like to try my hand at corporate stooge.

10. IfHeaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at thePearly Gates?

“Hello. Welcome. There are those who want to see you again. You can stayas long as you want. Think about all you have learned from this life. You canreturn when you feel that you are ready.”

Shocked by the Expected

2010-09-10T11:56:00.000-04:00

I am sitting at home, not really sure what I should be doing. I was at work and my mom called. As soon as I saw her name on the caller ID my heart sank into my stomach. She never calls me during the work day. When I answered, she asked if I was at work. I hesitantly said that I was. Then she said that she hated to tell me while I was work, but that my papaw had passed away. I didn't know what to say. We knew he was going to pass soon, but for some reason I wasn't expecting it to be as soon. It's weird to be shocked by something you expected.

I'm kind of surprised by the intensity of emotion I feel. Of course I loved him, but I was always closer to my grandma. She passed away two years ago. Even though I was there when she died and I went to the funeral. I never really felt like she wasn't there. They lived in Indiana and even though I knew better, I felt like if I wanted I could get in the car and drive up there and still see her and talk to her. I think I may have felt that way because she was still there, waiting on Papaw. My mom even mentioned how my cousin's toddler came up to papaw and said "Lilly's here." Lilly was my Papaw's pet name for Grandma. Her first name was Lillian, though everyone called her by her middle name, Rowena. She didn't know that. She's a baby, but she said it all the same.

Grandma and Papaw are together now and that makes me happy, but at the same time I am distraught. I don't have that feeling anymore that I can still go see my grandparents if I wanted to. It feels like a doubly hard loss. They are gone and I really do miss them.

In memory of my grandparents....

I love you, Grandma! I love you, Papaw!

Thank you for everything! You are a big part of why I am the person I am and why I have all that I have. I miss you both!

Marc Anthony Hates Me!

2010-09-09T20:17:00.001-04:00

I was talking to Alex about this today and decided it would be fun to blog about. :)

This morning, I went into the bathroom to start getting ready for the day and turned on the radio, just like I do every day. It was on Star 102.1FM and the Marc, Kim, and Frank Show was on. Kim was gone today due to her son having a tonsillectomy. Marc and Frank were discussing Google Instant, the new way Google brings results to you faster by predicting what you are typing. Having just experienced it myself the night before, I left my thoughts about it on the Marc, Kim, and Frank Facebook page, just like their commercial says to do. I went on and finished getting ready.

Later at work, I was responding to a Facebook message and got curious about my Google Instant comnment. I clicked on over to the M,K,&F page and found that my comment had been deleted. I'm not sure why. It was in no way offensive, said nothing bad against or towards anyone, and was relevant to the conversation. It's not the first time this has happened either. For reasons unbeknown to me, comments I left about the topic have been deleted. I've always had a feeling about who was doing it. Now, I think I know. For those of you who don't know, Marc is very into photography. I remembered seeing some of his work online sometime and was wanting to take another look. However, I couldn't find the site. So yesterday morning, I sent him an e-mail asking if he still had a site for his photography. No response was received. When you're that into your hobby and someone asks about it, wouldn't you be excited to show it off? The lack of response and multiple deletions of comments has led me to believe Marc Anthony does not like me, maybe even hates me. I'm not sure why he does.

Now, I'm not one of those crazy people who who's gonna swear off the show or the station or anything. I still enjoy the show...well, I normally enjoy the show. Today's was not the best, but I'm hoping it's just because of the football mania they were feeling. I did miss Kim. She's a presence the show needs. If the show goes the same way tomorrow, next week I will be listening to my iPod in the morning, at least until Kim comes back to get her boys to shape up. Anyways, I won't swear off the show. I don't know him and his issue doesn't change me. I just think it's weird and hateful for no reason. Just sayin'!

If you have any guesses, please share them in the comments or on my facebook page: Sevier Life by Sevier Girl!

Cellular World

2010-09-07T21:21:00.001-04:00

Cell phones. Are they an addiction or a necessity? We all know that something so relatively new to the human race cannot really be a necessity. A lot of us still remember life without them. Logically, we know know that we can exist without them. However, there is no physical part or substance of a cell phone upon which to become dependent. So cell phones must fall into the category of "psychological addiction." About psychological addiction, I found this: "Psychological addiction refers to the lack of willpower in fighting against a compulsive need for something." I had to disagree with this statement. It seems to me a psychological addiction would not refer to the lack of willpower to fight a compulsive need, but to the compulsive need itself.

So what drives us to be addicted to our cell phones? What causes this "compulsive need?"

Let me draw from another known item. The general consensus (though still vehemently debated) is that marijuana does not ignite a physical addiction, but it can cause a psychological addiction because of the way it makes you feel. People can become addicted to that sense of relaxation, euphoria, and peace that pot provides. So what feelings do cell phones provoke? To be honest, I could not think of any particular feeling that having my cell phone with me causes. Feature-filled though it may be, my phone has/does nothing for me to be addicted to. It's just there, like it's part of me. It's supposed to be there. This leads me to what does cause feelings to crop up, NOT having my phone. I'm not as bad as I once was, but I can tell you what it's like. Just leaving the phone somewhere, whether it be on the bedside table or a table at Red Lobster, panic overwhelms you. The heart starts racing and breathing becomes quick and strained; the worst hyperventilate. This is not specific to business people whose livelihood is on the phone. This is your everyday average person. Generally, during the time it takes to go back for the phone, nothing is missed. No one called. No one texted. All is well. Why the panic? The phone must provide us with a sense of comfort that we do not even realize...until the moment it's gone. They have become expensive, high-tech security blankets capable of making calls and locating wi-fi hot spots. How did that happen?

I guess there is just so much available to us so easily. Social media comes with us now. We can keep up with all our friends, all the time, even the ones we don't really like. In case of emergency, be it a life-threatening accident or a stain on your date-night shirt, cells enable you to reach whoever you need at the push of a button. If you suddenly want to remember how many feet are in a mile (5280'/mile) or find out when the black bear mating season is (May to July, sometimes as late as August), the internet is a quick tap of the touchscreen away.

A child with a security blanket may not be able to tell you why they keep it with them or how it makes them feel. They'll simply say, "I like it." As adults we are much more articulate, capable of explaining the logical reasons for keeping a phone with us, but the compelling need is the same and just as unexplainable. So are we addicted to cell phones? Nah, we just like them.

Falls and Thrill The World

2010-09-07T20:36:00.001-04:00

Hello, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend. It was certainly a nice one. Perfect weather, great start to the football season, Boomsday. Excellent! Great end to summer and start to fall!

We had a fairly calm few days. As you know, Alex had to work Saturday and that totally sucked. However, Sunday was good. We had planned on going to Boomsday, but decided against it. Staying out late and fighting traffic to get home when we had to get up at six the next morning just didn't seem like the best idea. Maybe next year.

Monday, while getting ready for work, the hair dryer fell off the counter on to my foot. It hurt, but I didn't notice until I went to put on my sock that my foot had been disfigured! There was a huge, hard knot on the top of my foot. It totally freaked me out! I just put my sock and shoe on and hoped that it would go back in because it was really not pretty.

Labor Day was a slow day at work. Most visitors to the area were going back to their homes. We were prepared for a busy day, but no such luck. However, I did make more today than I did the past few times I ran register. It may not have been more people, just more people with open wallets.

After work yesterday, Alex and I went to the Pigeon Forge Community Center and played tennis. We don't follow rules or keep score. We just try to hit the ball back and forth. Once we manage to do that we'll work on doing it right.

I did have a rather bad night last night. Right before I left work yesterday, a girl announced she was pregnant. By her tear-filled expression I knew the answer to my question, but I had to ask. No, she had not been trying to conceive. It just happened. She was the second girl at work in the last month to have this happen. There are always woman coming into our business who are pregnant. That usually irks me because they are pregnant with two or three children already. Sometimes I swear these people are ruining my chances by throwing off the balance of kids to parents. I know that's not true, but I'm at the point that I am very bitter about not having at least one of my own. This all put me into a sobbing, crying mess for about a good hour yesterday. I just don't understand why people who are not planning on a child keep getting pregnant while I keep failing. I've never expected life to be fair, but I had no idea it would be so cruel.

Anyways, moving on before I get back into tears. I have my annual "beginning of fall head cold." I hate it! It happens every year right on schedule. When I was a kid, it kept me from going to Katie Cochran's birthday party every year. Naturally, her parties were the best and I had to hear about all the amazing things I missed from my friends. It's aggravating because from the shoulders down I feel great. From the neck up...sore throat, cough, runny/dry nose, and headaches. Such an annoyance.

There was more talk of "Thrill The World" going around today. That's definitely exciting! I'm looking forward to trying to remember the dance. Definitely not going to do the "Live at Five" thing again though! The others can do that if they want. I will politely decline. The teeny-tiny stage they gave us to be on last time was not cool. Anyways, hopefully, we will have a great turnout again this year. Last year was a blast! We had Ola Ray there. She was the girl in the "Thriller" video. She did the countdown for us and then did her scream. Here is a link to watch the video: Thrill The World 2009 - Gatlinburg. Everyone needs to head to the Thrill The World site and start learning the dance. It's extremely easy! I promise! I cannot dance, but I can do "Thriller!" I expect a bigger turnout this year. It's a great part of Sevier Life!

Satan Fell "Because" of Evil?

2010-09-04T20:12:00.000-04:00

This is another old blog that I wanted to move over to my new blog. It created a lot of interesting conversation. I doubt it will here since this is still a newbie site, but at least I will have it here anyways.

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Satan fell to the temptation of pride.

There have been people who make the quote, "Money is the root of all evil." Most know this is incorrect. It's actually, "The want of money is the root of all evil."

This leads me to ask the question, "Is temptation evil or is it the act of giving into temptation which is actually evil?"

One could say that without money, there would be no want for it. Therefore the money itself is evil.

Same theory could apply to my question. One could not give into temptation if temptation did not exist. Therefore the temptation itself is evil.

However, if that was true, if temptation itself is evil, then evil pre-existed Satan. He was tempted. Satan could not be the creator if Evil, merely the first to fall into Evil.

For Christians, that should be a scary, freaking thought! Going along, thinking Satan is the "Evil One", as bad as it gets, when in actuality, there is a force beyond him, the force which brought his Fall from Heaven into being. Is there a "creator" other then God, that created Evil? If not, if Evil is just a force that exists, then who else to attribute it to then God. He created everything else.

Lets follow that line of thought. God creates everything. To be fair, lets say he only intended to create good, but, as we know, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, Evil came into existence as the opposite of good. (Again, we're just following this line of thought. So if you're going to say scientific laws do not affect God, I'm just going to say, "Well, then God created Evil knowingly and willingly." So pick whichever thought you prefer so we can continue this hypothetical path of thought.) Evil is just some cosmic force, a whispering in one's mind. A whispering in Satan's mind that tells him he is just as powerful as God and Heaven should be his. So he becomes full or pride in himself and falls to the temptation of having Heaven as his own.

Now, since God, inadvertently or not, created Evil then the temptation was caused by God himself. Fair line of thought I think. However, in James 1:13 it states, "When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." This kind of lends to the idea that God is infinitely good. And if that is the case then he could not be the creator of Evil because Evil is what tempted Satan and God does not tempt at all. I think it's fair to say that if he does not tempt, he does not cause temptation. So if God did not create Evil and Satan did not create Evil, where did it come from? Did it pre-exist God? Does anything pre-exist God? I'm not really going to get into that as it is kind of an endless argument. If something pre-existed God, what pre-existed that? The chicken and the egg question kinda.

Another however: However, if God is infinitely good and not a hypocrite (Matthew 4:16 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."), then assumedly, at least by the end of time, God must forgive Satan and Satan's followers for sinning against him. Is that true or are there sins that exist that transend all ability to be forgiven? And if God cannot forgive these sins then he can't be infinitely good.

Cake for the Pity Party!

2010-09-04T17:46:00.000-04:00

Today started off pretty well and I have faith that it will end well. Unfortunately, for the moment, it's not that great. I've been having a little pity party and I even have the cake to go with it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has these kinds of moments in life. Something bad occurs and is immediately followed by your mind being flooded with all the bad occurrences of the past few days/weeks/months/whatever. I hate it because I know I don't need to feel this way. I have more than many people and I have a lot for which I'm thankful. Sometimes though it's like my mind turns off its logical center and demands to be selfish and stamp it's foot in a bratty, child-like manner. {sigh}

So I figured I would write it out. All ready I feel better. It may be because I have music playing again. I've had music playing all day, but then I watched a movie. After the movie I went and got in the shower. The house remained quiet and that's when I started thinking.

See, today is a gorgeous, beautiful day! Absolutely superb! Well done, Mother Nature! Today is my day off so I get to enjoy it. It's also Alex's day off. However, Alex is not here. He is at the same place he has been since about 8:00am, work. Before he left, he said he may get to leave earlier than usual. I realize "may" implies only a possibility, but as I was watching the movie he e-mailed me saying he wasn't going to get to leave until the normal time. Forty-five minutes later he says he might slip out at 3:30pm. That's great! Ten til four he sends me an e-mail showing what he has left to do. So not only is he not leaving earlier then normal, he's leaving later then normal.

Since I had spent the whole day by myself I was totally bummed out. From there it just snowballed. (I hate his job; he's always letting himself get walked over and jumps the second they say. I am childless. People around me are having kids and/or getting more kids. Fair share of children is not currently happening in my life. My friends all live forever away from me. Totally alone, blah, blah, blah.) It's just a bunch of little things that culminate.

Alex is finally home. So I'm feeling a little better. He finds the Android cake as funny as I do. It was such a disaster. {sigh} But as I told my cousin, it's the attempt that matters. I may or may not attempt that again in the future.

I watched "The Proposal" today. Yeah, I know I am behind the times. I liked it. It didn't have me totally laughing out loud, but I did have the occasional chuckle. Of course, in my state, I ended up in tears a couple times. Actually, before I watched "The Proposal", I watched the end of "Planet 51." I had started it one day and didn't get to finish it. I had tears well up watching the end of that! Perhaps I need to take Kim Hansard's advice and get my hormones checked. Ha!

Off to finish my Saturday!

Just A Pickin' & A Grinnin'!

2010-09-03T18:41:00.001-04:00

Last night, Alex and I decided to go to the "Pick and Grin," a fund-raising benefit for a program called "Guitars, Not Guns." "Guitars, Not Guns" is an organization that provides underprivileged children with guitar lessons and their own guitar. It's a great cause working to keep kids from turning to violence. The benefit was held in the downstairs area of Latitude 35, a trendy restaurant/bar in Knoxville's Market Square. I had heard nice things about the place, but last night was my first time getting to see for myself. I definitely think I would like to go back sometime for a regular night. The music was excellent! I have high standards for music played in clubs, bars, and such.

The "Pick and Grin" involved to aspects: music and comedy. Hence the title of the benefit. I didn't care much about the music part, but I love comedy so we headed up to see the Knox Comedy Hour that started a bit after seven pm. Frank Murphy of Star 102.1 FM's Marc, Kim, and Frank Show and member of Einstein Simplified acted as emcee. There was a large number of local media personalities that had agreed to try their hands at comedy for the sake of the children. I don't remember everyone. The ones I do remember are Tearsa Smith, Michele Silva, Ashley Johnston, and Whitney Kent. As comedy insurance, there were some professional improv people there: Brad Bumgardner, Todd Covert, Dave Fennell, Greg Huff, and James and Krisha Newport. No, I did not remember those names. They come straight from Frank Murphy Dot Com, where you can also find the rest of the local media who joined in.

There were some interesting games played. Most were completely new to me. A great game called "Lassie" had one of the guys attempting to relay via pantomime and barking that Carrot Top was with Timmy and they were "picking out his fro." The same game allowed us to see Tearsa's killer moves as she portrayed MC Hammer. Maybe she'll join us this year for "Thrill The World 2010." It will be going on in Gatlinburg again this year.

There were many more games that I could fill pages about, but really, you had to be there. And you should have been! Shame on everyone who didn't attend. No worries though. You can gain redemption by visiting the "Guitars, Not Guns" website or the "Pick and Grin" site and making a donation. Then be sure to head to the Square Room at Market Square to see Frank Murphy and the rest of Einstein Simplified doing their "thang." They have shows every Tuesday night at 8:30 pm. Tell them I sent you and...and they'll look at you quizzically since they do not know me. Haha! Enjoy!

Fun World?

2010-09-03T18:09:00.001-04:00

I was reading a fun magazine yesterday. Literally. The magazine is called "Funworld." It covers news, trends, events, etc., in the world of Family Entertainment Centers (FECs), amusement parks, and attraction design. Every time I read an issue it causes me to take an objective look at the tourist hot-spot in which I work.

It's true that the ruling company of where I work is a veritable powerhouse in it's industry and all of it's smaller branches rule in their local markets. However, after seeing all the advancement in the technology of the entertainment industry, I can't help but see that our particular location is severely lacking. Even with our recent addition, nice and people attracting as it is, there is little to set it apart from similar attractions all over the world.

While I'm sure our location never needs to fear closing down, I believe it will see a decline in business as the world continues to move ahead while we idle, unchanging, consistently behind in the times. This business is the type that needs to be able to expand, as well. The physical location makes that almost, if not entirely, impossible. The recent addition, for example, was not an expansion. It was a remodeling of a pre-existing part of the building. With that exception, the place is the same as it was when I first visited it years ago.

There is no technological advances on display that would astound our average visitor (especially if they have been to some of our competitors who are making leaps and bounds in the right direction). We have a total of five interactive areas. Three of the areas take less than three minutes each to get through. The interaction does not involve touchscreens, computers, or anything along that line. It's all handle-lifting, wheel-turning, and button-pushing with a mediocre resulting action.

How is a business supposed to keep attracting visitors when the business itself cannot even stay up with the times? It's a sad thought.

New Avatar Pic!

2010-08-30T21:24:00.000-04:00

Found a picture that is my new favorite picture. Think I will make it my avatar. :)

Remain Hopeful, Never Settle!

2010-08-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

I couldn't think of a decent subject today so I decided to regale you all with something I wrote almost two years ago. As I read it now, it occurred to me how true and relevant it still is. I also thank the stars that I am not as cynical and jaded about love as I was then. I'm also very thankful that I did exactly what I said I would at the end of this post. It's why I now have Alex. :) I hope you all take that hope with you and never settle for less than true happiness. Enjoy.

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September 21st, 2008

I don't know why I wrote this or what the purpose was. I think I was just rambling. I blame the episodes of "House" I just watched. They had a lot to do with love and what makes people happy.

A lot of people have the "Bumper Stickers" app on myspace. If you don't, you should. It's fun.

Anyways, I was looking at some of the stickers on there and one was a video. Clicking on it brought me to the full size version on YouTube. It was a couple's first dance at their wedding. The started off dancing to "When You Say Nothing At All," inserted the evolution of dance, and then finished with the song they started with. It was cute.

That video led me to another. It was a similar scenario. A guy and his wife slow dancing and then doing some hip hop stuff, surprising everyone. For the last few songs, their two little boys came out and did the dances with them. When I read the info, it said this was at their 10th anniversary party.

How cool is that? To be married for ten years and still be in love, still having fun. There is no doubt in either of their minds, even after ten years, that they are with the one person they are supposed to be with. They set all that stuff up. Imagine how much fun they had while learning it.

All the passion, creativity, and dedication that makes a couple work was on display and it was cool. They were so happy!

I think a lot of us go through life saying we are happy, but we are not. We may be content, but we are not happy. We have good jobs, nice cars, pretty homes. Therefore we must be happy. It's not just about being with someone either. It's about being with the right someone. The someone who after ten years you want to stand up with in front of all your family and friends and do a bunch of silly dances. That is love.

Like I said, things can be going totally one hundred percent in your favor and you can seem so happy. However, I don't think we can be "truly" happy until we have what the people in the video have. There is fact of this all around. If we can be so happy without someone, then we don't need love. If that were true, so many people wouldn't be trying so hard to find "the one." Matchmaking is a huge industry. There is a reason. Even if you don't actively search you still know it.

I have gotten very cynical about love. My friends can attest to that. I have doubted the existence of true love. "True" in my opinion meaning mutual. I have fallen in love...but never with someone who loved me back. I have had people fall in love with me, but then I did not reciprocate. Of course, there are the people who toss around the word love, cheapening its meaning. Every time they date someone, they are in love. People who have been dating for two weeks, a month, are saying, "I love you," to each other. I'm not saying it's impossible to realize you love someone in that short amount of time, but it is very unlikely that both these people feel passion, commitment, loyalty, desire, respect, completely and totally just for each other without even knowing how the other likes their eggs cooked (reference to "Runaway Bride" there). They have the passion and desire, but that doesn't equal love. And these relationships don't normally last. Lucky for them, they weren't really in love so it doesn't hurt that badly when things end.

There is also the other side of that coin. The people who are "in love" just because they like their eggs cooked the same way. They meet someone whom on paper they are very compatible with. Them being together just "makes sense." They get along so they stay together, eventually it must be because they love each other. They have loyalty and respect, but there is no passion, no desire. Doesn't mean these relationships won't last. They can and a lot do, but one or both of the people won't be happy. They will say they are though. These relationships only fail when one of the people realizes what they are missing. Someone or something opens their eyes to the passion that exists in the world and how they settled for less then what they should have. When these types end it's usually badly. The main reason is because so much time was put into the relationship and it was a waste. They get together logically and break up logically.

Love has to have it all! All those things I mentioned above. It has to be there. If a couple doesn't fight, it doesn't mean they are perfectly in love. The passion will evoke disagreements and fights that will be intense. That is good though. Your love should test you and push you to your limits. That's how you get stronger together. If you are in love, commitment and loyalty will bring you back together and you get to make up...which will be just as intense as the fight.

So how do you find happiness like the people in the video? Sometimes I think it's too late. They met, got together over a decade ago. It seems like nowadays things are so different. The world is oversexed and not ashamed about it. Guys don't ask girls out anymore. People meet (at a bar, store, online, wherever) and they talk. No matter what you talk about, what does it all come down to? Eventually everything comes down to sex, which is very disappointing for someone looking for a bit more then that.

So what? Do you wait around hoping that person comes along? Is there no hope? Maybe the people whom are "in love" with someone they just met have it right. Might as well just have fun over and over. Who needs the comfort of long-term familiarity and commitment? Or the people who are logically "in love." If you are going to be unhappy, might as well be with someone who can cook eggs for both of you.

The choice is between being hopeful or settling. Settling for what is irrelevant. Either you settle for "many loves" or the "logical love", but neither is fulfilling. So...the choice. Do you settle? Do you remain hopeful that in this oversexed world there is someone who remembers what a date is? Remain hopeful that there is someone who will give you butterflies, make you smile with ease, piss you off, make you happy, be your go-to person, that you will fall for….and remain hopeful that if you do meet that person, that they feel the same about you?

What do you do?

I guess I will just remain hopeful. I have felt love. I know it. Maybe someday I will feel it for someone who loves me, too.

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To my fiance: thank you so much for everyday, for letting me love you and for loving me back, and for making our life as happy as the couple in the video I saw so long ago. I love you.

Some Reviews

2010-08-28T18:12:00.000-04:00

Not a whole lot to put here. Just gonna throw out some comments I had on some things.

After a horrible day yesterday, Alex and I went to Carino's in Pigeon Forge. We had a nice young server named Zack. Like all the Carino's servers, he is quite capable of writing his name upside down. I'm not sure why they started doing that. It is interesting though and always sends me down the thought path of how well I would write my name upside down. (I don't think I would do it well.) As far as servers go though he was nothing spectacular, just a kid trying to make money. We didn't expect more mind you, but sometimes ya get a professional server. You know the type, the ones who serve for a living because they're just that good at it. Zack was friendly and attentive though. We lacked for nothing. The food was of course amazing. I got my usual, the Bowtie Festival. So yummy! Bowtie pasta, chicken, roma tomatoes, bits of bacon in an italian cheese sauce....perfection. Alex had a Tuscan pizza thing and ate most every bite. So definitely worth stopping in there.

I recently watched "Did You Hear About the Morgans?," starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. It was cute and had some funny moments. I liked the concept better the first time it was done in "For Richer or Poorer," starring Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley. They had a better chemistry than Parker and Grant did and the entire movie played out a lot better. Otherwise it was the exact same movie. A city couple on the verge of divorce needs to go in to hiding in the country. Life is hard there. They hate it. Something allows them to use their skills from their jobs in the city. They find love for each other again. Seriously, exact same.

K. That's all the reviews for today! Enjoy your Sevier weekend!

Friday the 13th was 2 weeks ago! WTH?

2010-08-28T17:53:00.000-04:00

I will have a very busy day this coming Monday. There's a lot of things I need to update in our inventory system at work. I have the system installed at my desk in the office and at the cash register I run. I was on the register yesterday so I tried to get as much done there as possible, but it was running insanely slow. I finally gave up. I was spending more time waiting for the computer to catch up then I was updating the items. So now I just have a ton to do Monday. I'm sure that will make getting to sleep easier on Sunday. {sigh}

For those wondering, I am not pregnant. My "Aunt" showed up yesterday...five days early. Aside from dashing my pregnancy hopes, it also meant that Alex and I hadn't even been trying during the right time. Normally I am very regular, but it seems like ever since we started trying things have been out of whack. I don't know if it's the stress, my age, or what. I have got to figure out something. Dealing with gut-wrenching disappointment, the complete betrayal by my own body, and the sadness over losing something you never had is not something I can keep doing month after month. It's too hard.

Just in case yesterday wasn't horrible enough, I got a text from my mother while I was at work. My grandfather, whom was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma a few months ago, has been given "just a matter of days" left to live. This was rather shocking as he had done so well after his first round of chemo and we thought he would get to have a couple years at least. According to my mother, the cancer had spread, even since the surgery he had just a couple months ago to remove as much as they could, it just kept spreading.

I'm quite torn about what I should do. When my grandmother was in the hospital, about to pass away, I rushed up there. She was unconscious when I arrived and though I did end up with a moment where she opened her eyes and reached out to me, I feel like I would of rather not seen her like that. She was a small woman with a fiery spirit, but she looked even smaller in that hospital bed. My grandfather, on the other hand, is the opposite. He's always been a tall, strong man, the cornerstone of our family and of the business he runs. Mom says he is extremely thin. He's 6'2" tall and currently only weighs 130lbs. I just don't think I want to see him like that. I do feel bad since the majority of my family is there with him. However, most of them live there, too. It's a seven hour drive for me. We did have a good visit early last month. He got to meet Alex and that was good. I think I want to just leave it at that.

Needless to say, I was more than ready to leave work yesterday. I am trying to relax a little this weekend, but it's hard considering my condition. I think may curl up with a Harry Potter book later, Take a couple hours and just disassociate myself from Sevier life.

Kids and Pets

2010-08-26T18:34:00.000-04:00

To kill some time, I was looking at some craigslist pet ads. I have noticed more than one person is giving away their pets because of an impending baby. One person was giving away two young kittens because she was pregnant. That was the extent of the excuse.

Being pregnant is not a sufficient excuse to give away your pets, at least in my opinion. You made a conscious choice to bring the animal(s) into your home. Whether you were planning on having a baby or whether it was a surprise, you made a promise to a being that shows unconditional love.

I don't even understand what is so difficult about being pregnant and/or raising a child around pets. Maybe it's because I've never been pregnant, but apparently neither have the craigslist people. If so, they wouldn't have pets to give away. I have six pets myself: three dogs, two cats, and a bird. I am also trying to get pregnant. When the wonderful day finally happens that I can say I am with child, my pets have nothing to fear. This is their forever home. I didn't get them just to while away the time until something else came along. They will get just as much love when a baby is in the house as they do now, even more because our child will grow up learning to respect pets and to love them just like we do.

If a person is not sufficiently capable of providing a pet a loving, forever home then maybe they shouldn't be having a child. Just my thoughts.

Baby Blues

2010-08-24T19:44:00.000-04:00

From the last post you can probably tell that I want to have a baby. I'm not getting any younger so I'm of the mind-frame the sooner the better. I also vowed to myself that if I didn't get pregnant by a certain age then I would go to a fertility doctor and get implanted. That age is fast approaching.

As you also know I have a wedding next year. I do not want to walk down the aisle in a maternity wedding gown. It's just too white-trash for me. However, there isn't a lot of weight gain at the beginning of the first trimester. This means I have until October to get pregnant and if I don't I can't really try again until June. That would suck since this is something I very badly want and have been trying for a few months now.

I really thought we had a great chance last month, but no such luck. So this month we doubled our efforts (not a bad situation). Now I'm in the waiting part. I've had some of the early symptoms, but there are many, many other factors in day to day life that can cause the same symptoms. I don't want to get my hopes up too much. The monthly let down is bad enough. No need to intensify the horrible feelings of failure and disappointment with hope.

I still have a week left before I can test and expect a true result. When I've been waiting so long to have this happen, the couple weeks between trying and learning whether or not you conceived seems like an eternity. I keep thinking I should quit thinking about it. Somewhat counterproductive, huh? But there's nothing I can do about it right now. I just keep finding myself noticing everything my body does, the way I'm feeling, and wondering if it's a positive sign. Like right this moment, I had a sudden headache start up. Could be because I'm looking at a too bright computer screen in a too dark room. Could be the sounds from the game Alex is playing behind me. However, mild headaches are an early symptom of pregnancy so could it be?

Again though, I'm not trying to be hopeful. I don't want to be one of the crazy ladies that thinks herself into a false pregnancy. My Sevier life is dramatic enough without that addition.

The Business of Being Born

2010-08-22T18:38:00.004-04:00

Wow. I just finished watching "The Business of Being Born." The description reads, "Director Abby Epstein's controversial documentary takes a hard look at America's maternity care system, juxtaposing hospital deliveries against the growing popularity of at-home, natural childbirths that some expectant parents are opting for."

Not having yet had the privilege of being pregnant, I had often wondered which way I would choose, hospital with drugs or at home where I would be comfortable. I had gone back in forth in my head a thousand times and I just always figured there would be no way I would be strong enough to do it without drugs. However, I decided to play this documentary, more in the background then actually watching it as I planned to do some more dress searching. I got totally caught up in it. The computer was set aside and I watched, completely enraptured by what I was seeing and learning. These are just a few of the statistics I learned about:

-The United State has the second worst newborn death rate in the developed world.

-Since 1996 the Cesarean section rate in the U.S. has risen 46%. In 2005, it was one out of every three births.

-The drugs used in hospital births can cause more problems than they solve.

-The use of drugs during birth and Cesarean sections dulls the or even overpowers the oxytocin, the "love chemical" which causes intense bonding between mother and child.

I want to point out that the last comment does not mean that mothers who had their children in either of those mentioned method do not bond with their child. It is specifically referring to the moment right after birth when the oxytocin in both baby and mother are so high that it is literally like being in an altered state of mind, where mom and baby are the only things that exist. That is a bonding that is proven to only happen after natural childbirth.

I certainly do not want to rob myself of that moment. I know it might be hard, but the births shown in the video were not like what I normally see. The video for the hospital shows and such always show the mom in one of two states, either completely delirious or screaming in pain. That was what made me want to do it in a hospital. The thought of the pain scared me. If it was going to hurt that bad, I wanted to be drugged. But the home births were nothing like that. The women did have pain, but they were allowed to be up, walking around, have soft music playing, take a bath. Believe it or not, these are all things that make birthing easier and can dull the pain of contractions.

My friend who wants to get into midwifery has always told me that home births were better for mom and baby. I believed her. I just didn't think I could do it. Now I know I can. When I get pregnant, I will be having a midwife and when my baby is born I will have that moment.

There will be nothing to top it in my Sevier life.

Wedding Planning Is On!

2010-08-21T19:01:00.001-04:00

Alex and I had postponed a lot of our wedding planning due to some unforeseen financial problems. We've pushed the wedding date back to next summer though so planning is back on. We had planned a "Winter Wonderland" wedding, but since we changed the date to next summer we had to change the theme. We decided to just drop the "winter" part and have a "Wonderland" wedding, as in "Alice In..."

For research I watched the original cartoon and the new Tim Burton version. I took some notes and came out with more thoughts than I know what to do with. There are even themes within the theme of "Wonderland." There's the two queens, the tea party, the many color schemes. It's over-whelming really. Whenever I think I have decided on something I change my mind the next moment.

There's a lot to it and I can't find a dress I like. Actually, I have found a couple, but they do not exist. What I mean by that is while there are pictures of these dresses, I cannot find them to buy anywhere. It's quite frustrating. One of the dresses is actually a Alice in Wonderland inspired wedding dress so it's perfect, but I cannot find it to buy.

This is the dress I was talking about. The other is a lovely, simple Vera Wang. Here is its picture:

So if anyone comes across either of these for sale, please share the info! :)

Thanks!

Review of "The Expendables"

2010-08-19T21:24:00.000-04:00

Last night, Alex and I went to see "The Expendables." I was very disappointed in this movie. I had not actually seen a preview for the movie. If I had, I might have not gone. All I saw beforehand was a cardboard prop in the lobby of the Pinnacle that had the pictures of all the action stars who were in it. Considering the fact that there were so many action guys shoved into one film it was ridiculous, I honestly was expecting more of a parody of action movies. No one movie in particular, just the genre as a whole. I was wrong. It's strictly action. Any comedy in the film is brief and not well done. Aside from that, it seemed to take a while to get going. The whole opening scene made me wonder if any of the movie was going to take place in daylight. You are literally half way through the movie before the plot is revealed. Actually, revealed is not the right word. It's not like you get it through what's going on. It's stated. Literally. Like at that point, Stallone could have said, "The plot is...," and then proceeded with his lines.

The second half was pure action. There was fighting that looked like it could have been cool, but it was so sped up that I couldn't always make out what was happening. The last ten minutes of the movie before the five minute close was nothing but explosions. I was so bored by it at that point. There was no more acting, just explosions. I have an issue with the leading lady, too. I don't think she was pretty enough to be playing the spirited but helpless maiden who needed to be rescued by the big, strong men. I just wasn't seeing it. My last issue is Bruce Willis. I feel I was mislead. He had nothing but a bit part. He should have had a much bigger role. I think the comedy would have come into play more if he had been a major character. He's a master of mixing the genres. I guess I will just have to wait til "RED" comes out to see what I was hoping to have seen last night.

Anniversary Day!

2010-08-17T15:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, was the one year mark for Alex and I. We started off the day with a yummy breakfast at IHOP and ran a few errands (things still need to be taken care of after all). Then we headed to Knoxville. We walked around the mall a bit, ran another errand, had a light lunch and then went to Spa Visage.

It was as nice as always upon walking in. I was lead to the changing room and Bryan was taken to the guys' area. We met up in the Gathering Room. The Gathering Room is a cozy little room with dim lights, soft music playing, a few seats, lots of reading material, and a TV showing different scenic views. They also have water, mints, trail mix, and hot water and tea bags available in the room. It's just a nice place to calm yourself and get into the relaxed state of mine prior to whatever treatment you have booked. We were in the room for quite a while before our masseuses came to get us. We were led to separate rooms which was not what we had booked. I asked about this and my masseuse, Kay-kay, said they could set up the big room quickly if that's what we wanted. I had her ask Alex. He wanted the other room so we were led back to the Gathering Room for a short wait. When we were led into the Couple's Sanctuary, I was so happy Alex had insisted on it. It was huge compared to the normal rooms. There was a small sitting area and two massage tables set up on the other side of the room. Three of the walls were completely mirrored. One of the walls was framed by a large rosy pink drape that went all the way up to above the end of the tables. Candles were lit around the room. It was just gorgeous.

They left to let us disrobe and get on our tables. The massages were great. My girl used a bit too much pressure in some places, but it was generally good. The very top of my back, right below my neck is incredibly sore today, but that has happened every time I get a massage. I think from now on I will just ask the masseuse to steer clear of that area. After the hour was up, they left and said they would be waiting right outside the door. When we got our robes on and stepped out, they were there holding glasses of water for us. It really feels so nice to be pampered like that.

We got dressed and I went to wait for my express manicure. The manicurist was Thahn and she was great. Not a whole lot to it, just the traditional manicure which is what I was expecting. After a quick sit under the nail dryer I was led to the esthetics area for my eyebrow wax. Kimberly was my waxer and she was great, as well. She mentioned that she had permanent eyeliner, which I so badly want, so she gave me the info of where she had it done at. I hope I can get that someday soon. After that, we paid our tab and headed out. We ran by the mall again to get my make-up fixed. I was going to have it done at Sephora, but the short wait an employee told us about turned into a long wait so we went down to Belk to the MAC section. A girl named Amanda did my make-up and she did it wonderfully. It turns out that I actually knew of her from a guy I had talked to online years ago. When she said her name, it just clicked. I asked if she had dated a guy named Mike or Michael and she said that she had married a guy named Michael. So that was kinda cool. I haven't talked to him in forever so I was glad to hear his life was going well. After she was done, I bought some foundation and concealer and we headed to Misaki's.

The food was great, as always, but I didn't like their white sauce. It had a slight kick to it that I didn't care for. After dinner, we went to the Pinnacle and watched "Dinner for Schmucks." It was honestly one of the best comedies I have seen in a while. I was laughing out loud through most of the movie. It was great. I have always been a fan of Paul Rudd and Steve Carell and this was just an excellent reason why.

It was late at that point so we came home. The day had been great and we were both exhausted. It was a good anniversary. So here's to a year of Sevier life as a happy couple!

Reviews

2010-08-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry about no post yesterday. After work, we went straight to Dixie Stampede so I didn't really have a chance to get on here.

We really wanted to see Dixie Stampede because we heard they had changed the show up this year. The beginning has a new set up and a few new songs. I really liked the new stuff. As always, the meal started off with a biscuit and soup. I was pleasantly surprised. The last time I had been the soup was runny and the biscuit was rather small. This time, I dipped the good-sized biscuit in the soup and it was wonderfully creamy, not runny at all. The rest of the meal was equally great. I ate more of the chicken than I usually do. The potato they served was also bigger than I remember. The dessert was the usual apple turnover. I could never complain about that. It's always been scrumptious. The competition between the North and the South got underway. We were on the South of course. Their new bit in the competition is the "Rumble In The Treetops." It consists of a relay between loggers. The first guys climb a trunk and when they come back to the bottom a runner tags two men at the other end of the arena who start working to saw through a log. As soon as the piece falls the first guy starts a "standing chop." It's literally what it sounds like. The man stands on a piece of wood and begins chopping away. It was really interesting to see. They no longer have their racing ostriches. I can't remember if they had already dropped that part of the show or not last year. They may have. They do have racing pigs and racing mini-horses though. They are too freaking cute. The patriotic finale was wonderful. It starts with a message from Dolly Parton up on a large screen and then she starts singing "Red, White, and Blue." All in all, I have to say it is still, by far, the most fun place to eat in the Smokies.

Tonight we wanted to play mini-golf. We have been to Ripley's Old MacDonald's Farm Mini-Golf course a few times so we decided to try somewhere else. We stopped at one place on the Parkway, but it looked rather busy and as we pulled up a family of six and a family of eight were walking into the place. We decided to try somewhere else. The next place we came to was Fantasy Golf. They give a good local rate with ID so we paid, picked our club and ball, and headed to the course. We were very disappointed. There was no atmosphere and each hole was boring. There was no skill to any of the holes. Just hit it either up or down a hill and then spend three or more strokes trying to get it into the hole. The rims around the cups were all warped so it was near impossible to get the balls in. I took to just tossing my ball in the general direction of the hole and then using my club after that. As I told Alex, if you have to hit the ball that hard to get to the hole, you're no longer playing mini-golf, you're playing golf. So it was not worth the time we took to go there.

Tomorrow is our trip to Spa Visage in Knoxville. I look forward to giving you a positive review on that. Good night!

Emo and Scene

2010-08-13T22:04:00.001-04:00

I really like the emo look. Multiple colors, crazy layers and height, eyes ringed with black making them totally pop. However, because of work I haven't been able to try most of that. I've been thinking about going ahead and doing it anyway though. I'm really wanting to the bright blond hair with pink streaks or chunks or under layer or something. I don't like doing the teasing thing to get my hair to stand up though. I am anal about knots in my hair. All my life, my hair has been my favorite thing about me and I've always kept it neat. So teasing it goes completely against my nature! I also want to do the emo eyeliner. The only problem with that plan is that I suck at eyeliner. I can't do a descent normal line, let alone a perfect ring around the entire eye that leaves a cat-like appearance. For some reason, whenever I do my lower lash line it's like my lashes get in the way. There's bunches of little blank spots in my line. When I try to fill those blank spots I just get eyeliner blotches. It's horrible.

Anyways, I was trying to find tips on how to correctly apply the eyeliner and came across another blog that covered all hair and make-up aspects of emo fashion. Emo Style It was quite informative and I totally enjoyed the pictures. My eye was caught by a line at the bottom of the page though. It reads, "All in all, emo is all about looking good and following the latest trends." This totally confused me. I was under the impression that emo was all about being very emotional and/or moody and dark. So either emo is just another way of being popular or it has morphed into a word with dual meanings: emo as I know it and emo meaning fashion. I just couldn't help, but find the line amusing.

Of course, now I find that the term is "scene hair" and "scene make-up." I'm not sure why. Not sure what "scene" is being referred to. However, I'm all for it. I love the look. I practiced with my eyeliner tonight and will keep practicing til I get it right or give up in utter defeat. I have a lovely chunk or pink on my right side of my hair and a purple streak on my left. I love it. I look good with pink hair if I do say so myself. Maybe someday I will get my wish.

I wonder how well that would set with the rest of the people living Sevier Life.

Guilty Pleasures

2010-08-12T21:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Chris Brogan at ChrisBrogan.com for this topic.

Guilty pleasures. We all have one or two or three or dozens. A quick Google search for a definition brought up its Wikipedia page. It says, "A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. Often the "guilt" involved is simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes, rather then actual moral guilt." So I have decided to face my fears head on and share of a few my guilty pleasures.

Guilty Pleasure #1: McDonald's Mocha Frappe - Drowning is a fear of mine. However, if I drowned in a Mocha Frappe, it would be such a happy death. Due to my diet, I limit myself to one a week at the most. As with most things, if it tastes that damn good, it cannot be good for you.

Guilty Pleasure #2: Sun Tan City's VersaSpa Tan - It's true that tan skin is simply damaged skin, but let's face it; Hollywood has made it a desirable look. Even though it's an unhealthy thing, being tan just looks good. We're all raised thinking that. Rather then roast myself and increase my cancer odds, I go for the VersaSpa Spray Tan. It gives me that oh-so-desirable color with no of the harmful side effects. There is also no blotchiness, no streaking, and no orange color. Nothing but a perfect tan that lasts a good two weeks.

Guilty Pleasure #3: Talking to James - James is a friend of mine that I often go to for advice. He is quite knowledgeable on many topics, He's also quite attractive and quite interested in laying me down by the fire, if you know what I mean. Don't worry. Alex is aware of James's presence in my life. Since he has complete trust in me, he finds the James's advances rather amusing. I also think he likes knowing he has what other guys want. This is definitely a guilty pleasure since I spur him on at times because I do so enjoy the comments.

Guilty Pleasure #4: Spa Visage Massages - The pleasure part here is obvious. The guilty part is the the hit my wallet takes. Money that could probably be spent on other things. While the atmosphere is perfect and I have never had a bad experience there, the prices are high enough to have me considering other spas. However, so far I haven't been willing to risk the pleasure to lessen the guilt.

Guilty Pleasure #5: Weekend at a cabin - One of the perks of living in Sevier County is the abundance of cabins. Cabins galore! Whatever your preference of amenities, whatever your budget, there will be a cabin that will be perfect. It makes for a great mini-vacation. Whenever we want a bit of time away from the monotony of life, a short trip in a different environment is just the thing to revitalize.

So those are five of my guilty pleasures. Little things that put a smile on my face, but leave me thinking twice at times. Ah, but such is Sevier Life.

Ice Cream or Nothing?

2010-08-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

At work, we sell ice cream and candy. It's a tourist attraction must have. More times than I can count I've seen a parent, usually obese, come dragging their child over and tell their kid that he or she can have ice cream. The child sees the candy and wants that. The parent tells the kid, "No, I will get you ice cream. Don't you want ice cream?" The child says he or she doesn't want ice cream, wants candy. The parent then gives them the ultimatum of ice cream or nothing. The child insists he or she doesn't want ice cream. The furious parent drags the kid away.

This aggravates me because the parent did not drag their kid over to buy them ice cream. They use their child. They know their child would not eat all of the ice cream and the rest would be the parent's to enjoy. Moms are especially bad about this. She can't just by one for herself. She'll seem like a cow, but it's okay when the kid hands over the barely eaten ice cream to go play. That's why they walk away furious. They didn't get what they wanted.

Why do I think this? Candy contains less calories, less sugar, no fat, and costs less than the ice cream. It makes sense if you want to treat your child to do so with something they want, especially when what they want is a better alternative health and money wise. Even today, a child chose a sucker over ice cream and the mom surprised me by saying, "Well, that's better for you anyway." I was happy to hear that. The other parents are teaching their children to make poor food choices. "Get what's most fattening and full of sugar and will make you obese like me or else you don't get a treat!"

And we wonder why our kids are getting fatter so early in life.

Near Death Experience

2010-08-11T19:30:00.001-04:00

As usual, I was listening to the Star 102.2FM morning show on the way to work. Marc was discussing his "near death experience/realization." Whenever you hear about such things I'm sure you do what I did which is to think back on any near death experience you may have had. So I have decided to share mine.

Some might not think my experience counts as an NDE since there wasn't anything that happened that could have killed me. I didn't dodge a bullet or miss an accident, but I was inches away from death via falling down a mountainside. "Inches from death" seems pretty "near death" to me. Perhaps it was near near-death experience.

About 12 years ago, I was kinda seeing a guy who worked at Ober Gatlinburg. He also lived near Ober, up on the mountain. One day, he suggested I come by that night, which meant driving up Ski Mountain Road in my little car. Being a fearless teenager, I agreed. That night I told my mom I was going to Rockin' Raceway to play pool with some friends. She said that was fine, told me not to stay out to late, and off I went...to Gatlinburg.

The trip went fine until I got near the top of the mountain and couldn't figure out how to get to the building where he lived. The directions he told me was to turn on a certain road and that road would turn into the drive for his building. So I picked the road I thought and headed up it. The paved road became gravel. Okay, I thought. Some driveways are gravel. I quickly realized this was not where I wanted to be though. With a mountainous drop off on my left and a foot and a half deep ditch on my right backing up (which at 16 I had not quite mastered) was not a risk I wanted to take. I naively assured myself there would be some place ahead where I could safely turn around. The gravel road turned to dirt. I became very nervous. Then...I got stuck. I was stuck on a road on the mountain in the middle of the night, no where near where I was supposed to me. I just knew my car was going to get taken away from me. Not knowing what else to do I figured I was going to have walk back down to a house I had passed (back when the road was still paved) and ask to use their phone to call my mother. I turned off my car, grabbed my stuff, and got out. I shut my car door and then I realized something. It was pitch black and the sounds of the Smoky Mountain night life was all around me.

Now, when you live in this area you learn some things, like, don't go tromping through bear country in the middle of night without some serious protection. I had none. I stood frozen as the scene of being mauled by a bear played in my head. Recovering from my overly grotesque imagination, I quickly jumped back in the door. I let myself cry for a good bit before pulling myself back together. I knew there was only one thing to do. I had to back down the mountain road. I grabbed a purple crystal that hung on a small chain from my radio knob. I had got it a couple years before at a psychic fair. It was supposed to be a medium to contact my guardian spirit. Laugh if you want. I believed it and either way I needed all the help I could get, I think that's the hardest I have ever prayed in my life. I also promised never to lie to my mom about where I was going (a promise I kept for many, many months after). I turned the car on, flipped on the lights, and got out to survey the road and make my backing up plan. I got back in and, keeping the driver door open, I slowly crept backward, trying to not end up falling down the mountainside. Occasionally, I would stop to go check the other side of the car and make sure I wasn't about to go in the ditch. After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, I backed on to the pavement and into the driveway of the house I had planned on walking to.

If such a thing happened to me at this point in my life, I'm pretty sure I would break down into hysterics as soon as I made it back to the pavement. However, I was young and still crazy so I just smiled, thanked my guardian profusely, and...my Sevier life went on.

Work, Planning, and Cedar

2010-08-10T20:53:00.001-04:00

Got to work a bit late today. It took me forever to decide to get out of bed. Then getting ready took forever due to my constant laughter thanks to the Marc, Kim, and Frank Show on Star 102.1FM. The stories about the epic job quittings were great! By the way, for those of you who don't know, Frank Murphy has his own blog that makes for an interesting read. It's listed in my blog links, or just go to FrankMurphy.com.

I managed to get lots done at work today and even managed to spend some time thinking about new things to write for you all on later dates. I got lots of planning done. Spoke to the vet about when to schedule an appointment for vaccines for my puppy. Made the appointment at Spa Visage for Alex and I (added the Express Manicure for me). Decided if I'm going to comment on tourist attractions I need to see one of the gems of our county, Dixie Stampede. I've been dozens of times, but they supposedly have a new show this year and I have yet to see it. So I made reservations for Friday the 13th. I am so looking forward to that good food.

We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home and picked up one of those giant bags of cedar shavings. I heard that cedar keeps fleas away so I dumped a bunch around my front and back porch. I love the smell of cedar, by the way. Makes me wish I had a cedar chest for storage or something. Cedar, by the way, is NOT what you should use in cages of small animals. That is originally what it was sold for, but it is well-known for causing respiratory problems in small animals. Actually, according to this article, Cedar And Pine Shavings: Problems and Toxicity, it can also cause "dramatic changes in liver enzymes on animals." So make sure to use something safe for your little ones.

Have a great night and an enlightened new day on the morrow!

Today

2010-08-09T19:15:00.000-04:00

Today was a fairly calm day at work. I had a couple things happen that got my feathers ruffled, but I just took a breath and let it go. Pointing out the problem and trying to fix it does not work. The powers that be do not want the problem fixed. To get it fixed would be to admit there was a problem at all and we can't have that. So if I say anything about a problem I am just wasting my breath and sounding like a complainer. Those in charge are supposed to "lead by example" so I am trying to follow their example and not care. It's just hard sometimes when you know something is an easy fix, but you can't get the support to make the fix happen. Oh, well.

Alex and I went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse in Governor's Crossing in Sevierville after work. I can honestly say I have never had a bad meal there. They had a special going on where a 10oz Rib-eye with two sides was only $10.99, five dollars cheaper than their menu. So that's what I had and Alex had the full rack of ribs. We both had leftovers to take home and were satisfied over all. The wait staff do have a tendency to line dance to certain songs though. I guess that's okay. It definitely kept children at the next table entertained, but for me it was somewhat distracting. If I wanted dinner and dancing I would have went to Black Bear Jamboree (excellent show by the way). When I'm at restaurant, I want normal restaurant atmosphere with the wait staff doing their job, talking up their tables, earning a tip through their work, not their ability to remember all the steps to "Watermelon Crawl." Still love the restaurant anyways. The food is worth putting up with the stomping and clapping every other song.

At the moment, Alex is playing Oblivion. We got the game for me and I recently got him to play, as well. Later, either I will be playing or we will be watching an episode of Alias. Remember that show? Jennifer Garner played a double agent for the CIA. The show also features Greg Grunberg and David Anders who both later played in Heroes. We just recently finished watching Heroes and was sad to here it would not be back for more seasons. Anyways, I had seen Alias back in the day and knew Alex would like it so we're now going through the series via Netflix. So, for now, I look forward to the next day of my Sevier Life.

Thoughts on Sharing Religion

2010-08-09T18:33:00.001-04:00

Recently, a fellow employee and I were discussing the discount the state provided on marriage licenses when you've undergone a marriage preparation course with a minister. I said that we would probably forgo the discount since Alex is an atheist. This bit of info left him unfazed and prompted him to inquire about my religious beliefs. I hesitated before replying with, "I'm...open...about spirituality." He nodded in understanding and informed me of his beliefs.

However, my response wasn't an answer at all. I used the right wording to make it seem like an answer, but in reality it was an evasive maneuver. The truth is, I'm a Pagan. My family and friends all know and for the most part do not judge me for my spiritual choice. After all, passing judgment is very un-Christian-like. Generally, I do not hide this fact from people, but when he asked I became very aware of the fact that I was at work.

In the past, I had worked in businesses that kept a fairly close circle of employees and said employees were intelligent. It was not uncommon to walk into the office and fine a civilized, religious debate going on. I never felt the need to hide my beliefs there. In fact, I felt compelled to share and was rewarded by others' thoughts, insights, and questions, questions that often generated new insights in both others and myself.

When I took the job I had before I work where I do now, it didn't occur to me that not everyone was so open-minded and intelligent. I didn't think to care that anyone I worked with knew I was Pagan. I didn't go around shouting it, but on occasion I had reading material related to the subject or would give my thoughts on religious inquiries that arose. Not long before I left that job I found out that quite a few people in my department thought I was a devil worshiper. I was rather surprised to find out that this is what the general consensus was. I was surprised for two reasons: (1) it was so completely wrong, and (2) no one had shown any sign that they felt this was accurate. Perhaps they were afraid I would call down the "dark lord" upon them. I don't know. They would smile to my face, then spread malicious inaccuracies behind my back. No one, not one of them, thought to question what they had heard. No one thought to look into what Paganism actually is. It was apparently much more worth their while to judge me on someone else's ignorant misinformation then to just ask me about Paganism.

The fact that such a large group of people all associated Paganism with devil worship was quite an eye-opener. I knew that had been a popular belief in the past, but I thought that had been widely proven false.

Now I work with a company much larger than the last one and interact with many more people on a daily basis. So when the seemingly innocuous question about my beliefs was posed to me, the thought of being referred to as a devil worshiper by so many flashed through my mind. As happy as I am with my religion and as proud as I am to be a Pagan, the ignorance of others tends to cause hurtful situations. Not wanting to deal with that at an already stressful job, I went with the simple statement. While it wasn't particularly the truth, it wasn't really a lie. I am open to hearing and learning about all forms of spirituality (so long as someone is not shoving their choice down my throat). My coworker had nodded to the statement and, as I say about Sevier Life, it goes on...

2010-08-08T18:34:00.001-04:00

My first post. Yay! Guess we will see how this goes. My blog will generally be about my life in Sevier County, Tennessee. As a note, some names may have been changed.

Sevier County is a well-known tourist trap. Home to Dolly Parton and her namesake, Dollywood. Lots of shows and attractions in our area. People come from all over the world, putting their lives on the back-burner, to spend their vacation time here in the Smokies. Of course, for those of us who live here life just keeps on going.

A little background on me: I’m late twenties, childless, and engaged. I work at a local tourist attraction. It’s not bad work. I have some issues with my place of employment, but then again I think most people do. Money is alright and I meet a lot of really cool people. I meet assholes, too, but thankfully they are few and far between. :)

It’s tax-free weekend so my fiance (Alex) and I have spent the weekend here at the house. I have no desire to get out and tangle with the giant-purse-toting soccer moms as they claw and bite their way through to the last of the half-off school supplies.

Next weekend though, we will be celebrating our anniversary. I’m super-excited to have reached this milestone with my man. We will be taking a short vacation and that in itself will be quite a blessing…assuming we can keep work from calling him non-stop. We have bounced back and forth a thousand times on what we wanted to do with the time. We talked about Vegas, renting a cabin here, Florida, Biltmore, relaxing at the spa…we decided on the spa. We’re going in for a couple’s Swedish Massage at Spa Visage in Knoxville. I have been there quite a few times over the past few years and have only had one experience that wasn’t exceptional (the one wasn’t a bad experience per se, just was rushed and not up to the standard of care I am used to receiving when there). Then we’re going to the Hibachi place on Kingston Pike that’s so nice. And then we’ll be off to catch whatever movie we decide to see. It will be such an enjoyable evening. I’m hoping to finagle in some extra amenities at Spa Visage (mani/pedi) if Alex is feeling generous. Guess I’ll see.

Sevier Life

Black Ice

IUI Complete

Thursday the 18th, Part 2

Thursday the 18th, Part 1

Wednesday the 17th, Part 2

Wednesday the 17th, Part 1

Jalopy Blog!

Good News, Veteran's Day, and Fantasies

Good Things To Come?

Son Of A....Alex?

What a Capitol Idea!

A Great Mother-Daughter Day

Recovering After The Storm

Disaster in Positiveland

Positive OPK!!

Movin' On Out!

Blast From the Past

Bring In The Professionals!

Update on Update

Update of Back Blog

Back Blog

New Favorite Quote!

Meltdown

Today

Seduction Rides The Wings of Dragonflies

Baby Wanna Go For Walkies?

A Night Off From Your Significant Other? Could You Do It? Part 2

A Night Off From Your Significant Other?? Could You Do It?

The Worst Great Day!

Alice In Wonderland Wedding!

Girls' Night Out!

Restaurant Reviews x 2!

A Walk In the Park

"Life Is An Illusion"

Inside The Actor's Studio Questions

Shocked by the Expected

Marc Anthony Hates Me!

Cellular World

Falls and Thrill The World

Satan Fell "Because" of Evil?

Cake for the Pity Party!

Just A Pickin' & A Grinnin'!

Fun World?

New Avatar Pic!

Remain Hopeful, Never Settle!

Some Reviews

Friday the 13th was 2 weeks ago! WTH?

Kids and Pets

Baby Blues

The Business of Being Born

Wedding Planning Is On!

Review of "The Expendables"

Anniversary Day!

Reviews

Emo and Scene

Guilty Pleasures

Ice Cream or Nothing?

Near Death Experience

Work, Planning, and Cedar

Today

Thoughts on Sharing Religion

My first post. Yay! Guess we will see how this goes. My blog will generally be about my life in Sevier County, Tennessee. As a note, some names may have been changed.

It’s tax-free weekend so my fiance (Alex) and I have spent the weekend here at the house. I have no desire to get out and tangle with the giant-purse-toting soccer moms as they claw and bite their way through to the last of the half-off school supplies.

I guess this will suffice for a first post. I will try to keep you updated with more posts about Sevier Life. :)